Prototype for “Ignoring”

Blaming and Criticizing – Avoiding, Distancing, Defending , Ignoring

Often associated with Presented Concerns such as: accusingangeravoidingchasingclamming upcommandingcondemningdistancingfrustrationIgnoringimposinginsistingnaggingnon-compliancenon-complyingoverwhelmingshuttingthreateningyelling

Slightly different PIPs possibly feeding “ignoring”

Ignoring PIPs
Go to prototypical "Ignoring" reflectogram

Go to prototypical "Ignoring" reflectogram

Tips to co-construct antidote (3) via thickening preferences (#2)

Aims or “steps” Guiding questions
Identify a good or relational preference (behavior, emotion, ability attitude, intention, identity, values etc.  that seem  important in people’s life) You said your son was ‘going crazy’ and there’s something wrong about this, am I getting this right?

What would you say is wrong about ‘going crazy’? Would you say your worry is about the ‘disconnection’ it implies? Or perhaps about a kind of learning disability it is associated with? ; Or perhaps something else?

When would you say ‘criticism’ is your ally, in the sense that it helps you to help him learn and when would you say ‘criticism’ is your enemy in the sense that it generates disconnection and destroys an appropriate context to learn?

There are parents who want to help their children learn to…….is that important for you?

Did you ever notice anything that would resemble or approximated to that ability?

Characterize the preference What do you call that? Does your daughter know that you want to promote her ability to listen and appreciate the help of others in order to develop and learn?

How would you know she is more appreciative in that sense?

Do you know someone like this?

How difficult or how long do you think it takes to develop this kind of ability?

When did you see her to develop this ability in any level?

Who is the best at home to show this ability? The second best? The third?

Discover inspirations or reasons (usefulness, goodness, beauty). Why does it seem “ugly” such ‘disconnecting habit’?

Why do you find admirable not to lose the connection and, instead, keep connected, perhaps learning how to listen to others?

Why it is useful?

What has life taught you about appreciating others’ input?

Where did you learn that from?

What would happen in your relationship with your daughter if she decided to value and accept your willingness to develop this ability?

What do you think could happen after one year? After 10 years?

Notice (changes in) state of the preference Who has ever made some improvement in favoring ways to maintain the connection for mutual learning?

Have you noticed any difference in yourself? In your daughter in the last year? Since a month ago? How did you notice it? How long are the disconnection episodes going on? Or ‘going crazy’ now?

From 1 to 10, how much would you say?

What makes him notice successes to reconnection?

What else have you noticed that helps you?

Plan, act and consolidate What (else) would you do in order to support/exercise this ability? Do you have a plan? How will you practice the “muscles” you need to exercise this ability? What do these changes say about your relationship? What are they becoming?

Tips to co-construct antidote (2) via exception (#2)

Aims or “steps” Guiding questions
Formulate hypothetical solution Imagine that this problem of going crazy or disconnecting is solved, what would happen? How would it be different? What would you see? What would you hear? What would you feel?
Identify what facilitated the hypothetical solution What might have you done that helped to have more connection (in your imagined example)? When the problem was resolved, how do you think you would respond? When you responded like this, what effect do you imagine it would have on the other?
Identify exception When did you resist criticizing and blaming?

What did you do different on that occasion? What difference did you notice when you did this? How else did you empower yourself and didn’t let the critical voice drive you?

Extend exception in the present What difference did you notice in your relationship with your son when you did this?

What difference did you notice in yourself?

What did your family members notice? Who was the first one to notice the difference? Second? Third?

How did they respond?

How did you feel when they did this?

What did you do?  How did you do it?

How do you manage to resist the temptation to criticize?

How did you manage your fear/anxiety when you saw your son…?

Where did you learn to do that?

How did you get ready?

How did you prepare to take this step?

In what relationships or personal resources did you trust to do this?

How was the rest of your day when this happened?

What difference did you notice later?

Co-create a new future with the person When you act on these ideas, what difference will it make in how you feel about yourself?

When you feel this way, what will be easier? How does this guide in a new direction in your life?

While you continue in that direction, how would your new future differ from your old future?

Tips to co-construct antidote (1) via unique outcomes (#2)

Aims or “steps” Guiding questions
Explore extraordinary events Was there ever a time when your daughter showed responsibility or surprised you about how well she did something?

What did you do that time that allowed her to do that?

What did you do that time that allowed you to notice that she had done that?

What did you do right after when you noticed she was taking over?

How did she respond when you did that?

If exploring in depth this event we could learn something about your ability to build their learning capacity, for example through noticing your successes, would you be interested?

Internalize personal agenda You said that this time you did something different; how you did you do that?

How were you able to ‘forget’ everything bad that had happened and assess this exception when she managed to reconnect and listen to what you said?

How were you able to refrain from blaming and try to open a space for her to become aware of what had happened?

Was there something different that you thought or observed or felt was made stronger to respond differently?

Connect with person’s skills Where did you learn it from?

What does this skill say about you?

What kind of person are you?

Recruit a support team Who could help you make even stronger? Who could help you do it?

If the impulse to criticize was beating you, what could others do to help you?

If ”playing dumb” was beating you, what could your father do to help you?

Who else can help you?

Who could help your dad to help you?

Investigate extraordinary event effects in the future If you had more opportunities to support your daughter’s inner control in the upcoming weeks, what do you think would happen to the problem?

Would it increase or decrease its presence and influence in your relationship with your daughter? What would this mean for you?

Tips to weaken problematic interactions (3) via externalizing a problem-strengthening IDEA (#2)

Aims or “steps” Guiding questions
Explore nature, story, effects and tactics of the problem What worries you most about this problem (“getting crazy”)?

This idea of “owning one’s mistakes” is the only way to educate him?

Where did this idea come from?

How does it interfere with your life?

How has this idea affected the relationship with your son?

Where does this idea have the most influence?

How does it manage to convince you that it the only way?

When did you begin to obey blindly this idea?

What is it that seems unacceptable to you? Is it the fact that your child runs away, their seemingly inability to learn (how to admit their own mistakes), or that they feel unloved…

or perhaps some other principle?

Why it is important for you?

Explore extraordinary events Has there ever been a time where your son didn’t go crazy?

Has there ever been a time that in the face of madness, you responded in a different way, without changing?

What happened that time?

What did you do?

What did he do?

What did your husband say?

What was the first thing you noticed?

What might have helped this to happen?

What else have you done that has helped him recognize his mistakes?

Explore effects of the extraordinary events in the future If your son understood that you don’t like to criticize him, but that for you to err has a positive side (as a source of learning).

What do you think would happen to the problem?

What would this mean for you?

Who would be the most and least surprised?

What would change in your life?

What would change in the relationship with your son?

Tips to weaken problematic interactions (2) via externalization (#2)

Aims or “steps”

Guiding questions

Negotiate a particular definition of the problem: Problem-saturated description (Name the problem)

How would you call the problem?

“Getting crazy”, “ignoring”, “evading”, “impulse to blame”…or does it have another name “?

On a scale from 1 to 10, thinking 1 is when the problem was at its worst level, in what level would you be now?

Explore the effects of the problem in person’s  life

The problem of ‘the impulse to criticize’ / ‘getting crazy’…makes you do things sometimes you don’t like?

What does it make you do?

What else?

It is a strong powerful problem?

What makes the problem increase?

If we ask mom, how she realizes when ‘getting crazy’ is significantly high?

How is it different at level “4” versus at level “8”?

What would your mom tell me?

How does she realizes the problem is serious?

How else?

What does your mom/dad do when you are under the influence of the problem?      

Explore extraordinary events and their effects to the future (for more details check “tips via extraordinary event”)

Did you ever beat the urge to criticize/  ”getting crazy”?

Did it ever obey you instead of you obeying it by misbehaving?

Have you ever been able to do something with the problem?

How did you notice?

What did you do?

What did the others notice?

What did they do in response to that?

What happened in that occasion?

What did others say about that?

What was the first thing that you noticed?  

Who in your network may have some more ideas about how to better cope with frustration and anger?

Explore effects of the extraordinary event in the future

If (the extraordinary event) happened again in the next weeks, what would happen to the problem?

Would it increase or decrease its influence on your life?

What would this mean for you?

What would change in your life?

What else?






Some ideas that could foster “Selectively noticing other’s competences and successes” (#2)

  • “My child feels incapable, they must be shown that they can do it, they should believe in themselves”
  • “My child thinks I am rejecting them, instead of their behaviour”
  • “My child doesn’t feel loved, they are avoiding rejection”
  • “If we try a little bit, like a snowball, overtime it will become giant”
  • “My child is unmotivated, they need support”
  • Add one yourself

Some “truths” linked to “Blaming and Criticizing” (#2)

  • “It’s the only way to educate my child, they should recognize and correct their mistakes”
  • “They don’t understand it’s for their own good” 
  • “My son is doing it on purpose” 
  • “They are lazy”
  • “They do not want to understand”
  • “They do not want to be responsible for their mistakes”
  • “They do not want to take responsibility for their actions”
  • “They are coward, they do not want to confront the problem”
  • “My parents don’t love me, that’s why they criticize me” 
  • “My daughter wants to manipulate me” 
  • “He is “just” a child; he must listen and obey”
  • “I was the same when I was a child, I would escape when it was convenient”
  • “The old values has been lost (authority, respect)”
  • Add one yourself