Slightly different PIPs possibly feeding “cheating”
Category: Presenting Concern
Issues motivating seek for help
Slightly different PIPs possibly feeding “ignoring”
Go to prototypical "Ignoring" reflectogram
Slightly different PIPs possibly feeding “caving”
Go to prototypical "Caving" reflectogram
Slightly different PIPs possibly feeding “counterattacking”
Go to prototypical "Counterattacking" reflectogram
Slightly different PIPs possibly feeding “protesting” (b)
Go to prototypical "Protesting" reflectogram
Slightly different PIPs possibly feeding “protesting” (a)
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Some ideas that could foster “setting and tolerating boundaries” (#30)
- “Setting and enforcing some rules may help peaceful coexistence”
- “Asking for help makes you stronger”
- “You need a village to raise a kid”
- “Most of the time you can control how you respond to violence and avoid escalation”
- “Inner negative voices sometimes block positive voices”
- “I can give myself time to think how you want to respond”
- “I can give others the opportunity to hear more positive voices”
- “Experimenting natural consequences of harming behavior can be a source of learning”
- “Anger is not the best friend of good thinking”
- “Anger can be understandable, despite not ‘agreeing’ with it”
- “Helping express anger with words may prevent its expression with insults/throwing objects/hitting”
- “I am not against them; I am against violence”
- “It is not about ‘wining’ battles; it is about resisting violence”.
- “Violent behavior is not acceptable; self-defence is”
- “My intention may not be enough to obtain what I am after”
- “It is easier to notice what bother you from a relationship than how you may contribute to it”
- “You need two to tango”
- “There are no bad people, only bad contexts; you need the right context to learn the right thing”
- “I can only control how I respond”
- “Everyone can make, learn from, and make up for mistakes”.
- “Disrupting bad things is just”
Some ideas that could foster “articulating and expressing emotions & needs” (#47)
- “Anger is a statement; a way of expressing something we care about”
- “Anger is a response to frustration of one’s needs/expectations”
- “Anger can be understandable, despite not ‘agreeing’ with it”
- “Anger management can be difficult; we learn better ways throughout a whole life”
- “Anger and frustration management require time and help from caregivers”
- “It’s easier for adults to manage frustration and anger (compared to children)”
- “Helping express anger with words may prevent its expression with insults/throwing objects/hitting”
- “When anger cannot find an outlet, a child may ‘regress’ and become even more ‘primitive’”
- “Frustration of needs is probably inevitable but there are several ways in which we can manage this”
- “My child believes I don’t love them”
- “There is alternative to either ignore or impose your own needs; it´s called assertiveness”
- “My child rejects my lack of empathy/acknowledgment”
Some “truths” linked to “attacking” (#30)
- “I cannot beat my child so… I am helpless (or weak)”.
- “The only alternative to escalation (or counterattack) is to give in”
- “If I ask for help as a parent means I am weak, and will make things worse”
- “Defending myself from my child’s attacks is an unacceptable form of violence”
- “Conflicts are bad, and should be avoided or ignored”
- “Children’s violent behaviors are parents’ fault”
- “My child is impulsive/has a conduct disorder”
- “I must protect my child; I cannot turn them in”.
- “I have lost the battle”
- “In order to avoid giving in, I have to respond immediately”
Tips to co-construct antidote (3) via thickening preferences (#47)
| Aim or sub-task | Guiding questions |
| Identify a relational preference (preferred relational understanding such as preferred emotions, capacities, behaviours, attitudes, intentions, identities, ways of relating, values). | You said your child was aggressive, and I thought you wanted to say that wasn’t right for you, is that a fair statement?
According to you, the bad thing about it is…. harming others?… not being able to express ones’ own needs in acceptable ways?… not being assertive enough? All/none of the above? (To ‘bearer’ of problem) what is it that you value about being upset/protesting? Does it help you express something you are unable to express with words sometimes? Does it give you strength? Is this a defense system, a shield? What are you protecting from? Does it help you to express something you find unfair? Does the ‘upset’ make you do things you do not feel proud of doing? When would you say the ‘upset’ helps you, and when does it turn into a “bad thing”, because makes you do things you do not feel proud of doing? Some parents sometimes want to help their children to learn to express their wishes/opinions/stances/needs in ways that are neither harmful for themselves nor harmful to others… is that important to you? Some parents want to help their children to cope better with frustration…or with obstacles and stressful situations…is that important to you? Are you familiar with this idea of “frustration tolerance” your parents/the psychologist referred to? Why could this be a good ability to develop in life? Did you ever noticed something that would get close to such ability/learning? |
| Characterize the preference | How would you call this? (“assertiveness”; “self-care”; “frustration tolerance”; “anger management”; “respecting others”; “patience”; “self-care”…).
Does your child know that you are interested in promoting her…. (e.g., “frustration tolerance”)? When have you seen them exercising… (frustration tolerance)? How would you know that they are getting more tolerant (or stronger at…..)? Have you met people who are skillful in managing frustration/anger? Who is better at home at managing frustration? Second best? Third? |
| Bring forth powerful inspirations (e.g., utility, goodness, beauty, or other “good reasons”). | Would you say there’s something ‘ugly’ about “poor anger management”? If so, can you tell me more about that?
Why would you say anger management is somewhat desirable? Admirable perhaps? Why is it useful? What has life taught you about the importance of “coping” with obstacles/stressful situations? Where did you learn that from? What would happen immediately in your relationship with your child if they decided appreciating and welcoming your willingness for her to gain more autonomy? What would happen after a year? After 10 years? |
| Track ongoing changes in relation to preference | Who has gotten better at (supporting) “anger management” at home?
Who has noticed some difference in your child’s ways of tolerating frustration (or being “patient”) in the last year? In the last month? How have you noticed that? How frequent are these ‘blowing up’ episodes now compared to (last year…)? How long? From 1 to 10, how intense are these episodes now? What does ‘patience’ do to ‘frustration’? (When unhelpful interaction is being enacted in session: does nagging help you? What else helps you?) |
| Plan, do, and consolidate | What else are you going to do to support/exercise constructive anger management?
Do you have a plan? How would you practice your “patience muscles”? Who may have some other ideas? What do these changes tell about what the relationship between you is becoming? What are you becoming into? |
