Pattern – Page 2

Some “truths” linked to “attacking” (#30)

“I cannot beat my child so… I am helpless (or weak)”.
“The only alternative to escalation (or counterattack) is to give in”
“If I ask for help as a parent means I am weak, and will make things worse”
“Defending myself from my child’s attacks is an unacceptable form of violence”
“Conflicts are bad, and should be avoided or ignored”
“Children’s violent behaviors are parents’ fault”
“My child is impulsive/has a conduct disorder”
“I must protect my child; I cannot turn them in”.
“I have lost the battle”
“In order to avoid giving in, I have to respond immediately”

Tips to co-construct antidote (3) via thickening preferences (#30)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Identify a relational preference (preferred relational understanding such as preferred emotions, capacities, behaviours, attitudes, intentions, identities, ways of relating, values).	You said your child was very upset, and I thought you wanted to say that wasn’t right for you, is that a fair statement? According to you, the bad thing about it is…. getting upset?… harming others?… not being able to express ones’ own needs in acceptable ways?… not being assertive enough?…colluding with violent practices? All/none of the above? Is there anything that you value about ‘the problem’ (e.g., being upset, protesting, giving in, caving, threatening, demanding, fear)? Does it protect yourself and/or others you care about? Does it help you express something you are unable to express with words sometimes? Does it give you strength? Does it help you to express something you find unfair? When would you say the ‘fear’ helps you (e.g., as a self-protecting resource), and when does it turn into a “bad thing”, because prevents you from asking for help, or doing other things that would protect you more efficiently? or do things you do not feel proud of doing? Some parents sometimes want to help their children to learn to express their wishes in ways that are neither harmful for themselves nor harmful to others… is that important to you? Some parents want to help their children to cope better with frustration…or with obstacles and stressful situations…is that important to you?
Characterize the preference	How would you call this? (“fostering mutual respect”; “setting boundaries”; “standing for your rights”…). Does your child know that you are interested in (e.g., “fostering mutual respect”)? When have you seen them exercising…respect? How would you know that they are getting more respectful (or stronger at…..)? Have you met people who are skillful in resisting violence in non-violent ways? Who is better at home at resisting violence (in non-violent ways)? Second best? Third? How can you tell the difference between becoming violent yourself versus resisting violence/threats/“controlling” practices?
Bring forth powerful inspirations (e.g., utility, goodness, beauty, or other “good reasons”).	Would you say there’s something ‘ugly’ about “giving in”? If so, can you tell me more about that? Why would you say “hold your ground” is somewhat desirable? Admirable perhaps? Why is it useful? What has life taught you about the importance of “standing for your rights/values”? Where did you learn that from? What would happen immediately in your relationship with your child if they decided appreciating and welcoming your willingness for her to respect everybody’s rights? What would happen after a year? After 10 years?
Track ongoing changes in relation to preference	Who has gotten better at “respecting others/boundaries” at home? In the last week? In the last month/year? Who has noticed some difference in your child’s “respect muscles”? How have you/them noticed that? Who has noticed some difference in their ways of dealing with frustration (or being “patient”) How frequent are these ‘giving in’/‘blowing up’ episodes now compared to (last year…)? How long? From 1 to 10, how intense are these episodes now? What does ‘support from others’ do to ‘fear’?
Plan, do, and consolidate	What else are you going to do to set rules to foster peaceful coexistence? What else are you going to do to support/exercise mutual respect muscles? Do you have a plan? How would you practice your “patience muscles”? Who may have some other ideas? What do these changes tell about what the relationship between you is becoming? What are you becoming into?

Tips to co-construct antidote (3) via thickening preferences (#47)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Identify a relational preference (preferred relational understanding such as preferred emotions, capacities, behaviours, attitudes, intentions, identities, ways of relating, values).	You said your child was aggressive, and I thought you wanted to say that wasn’t right for you, is that a fair statement? According to you, the bad thing about it is…. harming others?… not being able to express ones’ own needs in acceptable ways?… not being assertive enough? All/none of the above? (To ‘bearer’ of problem) what is it that you value about being upset/protesting? Does it help you express something you are unable to express with words sometimes? Does it give you strength? Is this a defense system, a shield? What are you protecting from? Does it help you to express something you find unfair? Does the ‘upset’ make you do things you do not feel proud of doing? When would you say the ‘upset’ helps you, and when does it turn into a “bad thing”, because makes you do things you do not feel proud of doing? Some parents sometimes want to help their children to learn to express their wishes/opinions/stances/needs in ways that are neither harmful for themselves nor harmful to others… is that important to you? Some parents want to help their children to cope better with frustration…or with obstacles and stressful situations…is that important to you? Are you familiar with this idea of “frustration tolerance” your parents/the psychologist referred to? Why could this be a good ability to develop in life? Did you ever noticed something that would get close to such ability/learning?
Characterize the preference	How would you call this? (“assertiveness”; “self-care”; “frustration tolerance”; “anger management”; “respecting others”; “patience”; “self-care”…). Does your child know that you are interested in promoting her…. (e.g., “frustration tolerance”)? When have you seen them exercising… (frustration tolerance)? How would you know that they are getting more tolerant (or stronger at…..)? Have you met people who are skillful in managing frustration/anger? Who is better at home at managing frustration? Second best? Third?
Bring forth powerful inspirations (e.g., utility, goodness, beauty, or other “good reasons”).	Would you say there’s something ‘ugly’ about “poor anger management”? If so, can you tell me more about that? Why would you say anger management is somewhat desirable? Admirable perhaps? Why is it useful? What has life taught you about the importance of “coping” with obstacles/stressful situations? Where did you learn that from? What would happen immediately in your relationship with your child if they decided appreciating and welcoming your willingness for her to gain more autonomy? What would happen after a year? After 10 years?
Track ongoing changes in relation to preference	Who has gotten better at (supporting) “anger management” at home? Who has noticed some difference in your child’s ways of tolerating frustration (or being “patient”) in the last year? In the last month? How have you noticed that? How frequent are these ‘blowing up’ episodes now compared to (last year…)? How long? From 1 to 10, how intense are these episodes now? What does ‘patience’ do to ‘frustration’? (When unhelpful interaction is being enacted in session: does nagging help you? What else helps you?)
Plan, do, and consolidate	What else are you going to do to support/exercise constructive anger management? Do you have a plan? How would you practice your “patience muscles”? Who may have some other ideas? What do these changes tell about what the relationship between you is becoming? What are you becoming into?

Tips to co-construct antidote (2) via exception (#30)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Formulate a hypothetical solution	Imagine this issue of (e.g., ‘giving in’) solved out, what would be different? (e.g., “I’d be able to resist violence in a safe way”). Supposed that happened, what would you see different? What would you think/feel different? What would you hear different? How would you respond or do different? What would others do different?
Identify critical factors in hypothetical solution	What might have you done in this hypothetical scenario that helped you manage these threats/attacks more constructively? When the problem was resolved, how do you think you would respond? When you responded like this, what effect do you imagine it would have on the other?
Identify an exception to the problem	When have you been able to (e.g., effectively and safely resist violence; set boundaries; demand respect)? Have you ever been able to resist the impulse to ‘give in’ in a non-violent way? Have you ever been able to (help them) express their need without harming/threatening/demanding? Have you ever been able to stop the “escalation”? What did you do different on that occasion? What else did you notice when you did? What was different?
Amplify exception in the present	How did you did that (exceptional response)? How else did you empower yourself to ‘stay put’, hold your ground, and didn’t let fear manage/drive you? How did you manage not to surrender to the anxiety that came up for you when you saw your child was…? Where did you learn that? What did you do to get ready or prepare to make that step in that occasion? What other personal resources did you rely on to make this step? What did you notice different in the relationship with your child when you did that (exceptional response)? What did you notice different in yourself? What did other members of your family noticed? Who was the first in noticing the difference? Who was the second? Third? How did others respond? How did you feel when they did that? How did the rest of your day go after this happened? What did you notice later?
Co-create a new future	When you act upon these ideas/exceptional experiences, what difference will it make for you? What difference will it make about how you feel about the episode? About yourself? When you feel like that, what will be easier to do from that mindset/mood/state of mind/stance etc.? How will this orient you towards a new direction in your life? While you continue going in this preferred direction, how will your new future be different from your old future?
Formulate a step by step plan	Would you be interested in working (with your parents) to figure out new ways to (expand exceptions/resist problems)? Who else could we recruit as part of your supporting team? How could they help with this? What could their contributions be? What difference does it make for your next steps knowing that you were capable of resisting the immediate impulse on that occasion? What ideas does this success give you about what your next step could be? How will you know that your next step was successful? How else would you like to restrict the power that “threats” may have in your family?

Tips to co-construct antidote (2) via exception (#47)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Formulate a hypothetical solution	Imagine this issue of ‘attacking’ solved out, what would be different? What would you see different? How would you respond or do differently? How would they respond to your response? What would you hear different? What would you think/feel different?
Identify critical factors in hypothetical solution	What might have you done that helped your child (or yourself) to have more ability to manage frustration more constructively/acceptably? When the “escalating problem” was resolved, how do you think you would respond instead in challenging situations? When you responded like this, what effect do you imagine it would have on the other?
Identify an exception to the problem	When have you been able to help your child to better cope with frustration and anger? When have you been able to cope better yourself? Have you ever been able to resist the impulse to hit (back)? Have you ever been able to (help them) express your/their frustration without harming others? Have you ever been able to stop the “escalation”? What did you do different on that occasion? What else did you notice when you did? What was different?
Amplify exception in the present	How did you did that (exceptional response)? How else did you empower yourself to be patient and understanding, and didn’t let frustration manage/drive you? How did you manage not to surrender to the anxiety that came up for you when you saw your child was…? Where did you learn that? What did you do to get ready or prepare to make that step in that occasion? What other personal resources did you rely on to make this step? What did you notice different in the relationship with your child when you did that (exceptional response)? What did you notice different in yourself? What did other members of your family noticed? Who was the first in noticing the difference? Who was the second? Third? How did others respond? How did you feel when they did that? How did the rest of your day go after this happened? What did you notice later?
Co-create a new future	When you act upon these ideas/exceptional experiences, what difference will it make for you? What difference will it make about how you feel about the episode? About yourself? When you feel like that, what will be easier to do from that mindset/mood/state of mind/stance etc.? How will this orient you towards a new direction in your life? While you continue going in this preferred direction, how will your new future be different from your old future?
Formulate a step by step plan	Would you be interested in working (with your parents) to figure out new ways to (expand exceptions/resist problems)? Who else could we recruit as part of your supporting team? How could they help with this? What could their contributions be? What difference does it make for your next steps knowing that you were capable of resisting the immediate impulse this time? What ideas does this success give you about what your next step could be? How will you know that your next step was successful? How else would you like to restrict the power that “frustration” may have in your family?

Tips to co-construct antidote (1) via unique outcomes (#30)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Explore unique outcomes	Did you ever managed/beat the problem (e.g., the ‘giving in’; the ‘attacking’)? How have you successfully coped with ‘violent reactions’ as a family in the past? Did ‘the problem’ ever complied with you, instead of you complying with it? When was (bearer of problem) able to lower the intensity (or frequency) of the problem? When was (bearer of problem) able to do something with the problem? How did you notice? What was the first thing you noticed? What did you/her do? What did your mom notice? What did she do? What happened on that occasion? What did others say about this? Have you ever seen your child coping/managing their own frustration? Has your child ever decided to cope in a more constructive way? Have they ever decided to do something different other than (e.g, threatening, blowing up, attacking)? Have you as a family ever done something different to avoid getting to a place where ‘giving in’ seemed unavoidable? What did you do in that occasion? What did you do right after, when you noticed she was deciding not to attack? How did your child respond when you did that? How did the rest of that day/night go? If by exploring this episode in depth we could learn something about your capacity to foster (e.g., setting helpful boundaries; mutual respect; peaceful coexistante), would you be interested in doing that?
Internalize personal agency	You mentioned that you did something different on that occasion, how did you do that? How did you choose to do that? Was it a deliberate decision? How did you manage to resist ‘giving in’, and kept setting/enforcing boundaries? Was there anything different that you thought or felt that made it easier for you to resist the ‘reign of fear’? Or that helped you respond differently? Or actively recruit helpers/rule enforcers?
Link personal agency with personal resources or skills	Where did you learn that? What do you know about yourself that helped you make such decision? What do others know about yourself? What does this virtue, skill or ability tell about yourself as a person? Why is this (e.g., “courage”; “respect”) important to you? Is it that you value both assertiveness and respect? What other values are at stake for you? Why are these values important to you? Are these values a source of strength for you?
Recruit a supporting team	Who could help you to (e.g., protect yourself; recognize your own needs; enforce mutual respect, resist violence) in respectful ways? Who could help you to help them recognize others’ needs and rights? If ‘giving in’ was taking control over you, what could others (e.g., your wife, husband, neighbour, friend, teacher, daughter) do to help you get stronger? Who could help your wife/husband help you? Who else could help you?
Inquire about future effects of unique outcome	If you had further opportunities to resist violence, what do you think would happen to ‘the problem’? Increase or decrease? If you had further opportunities to support your child’s ability to (e.g., empathize with others; take care of themselves) in the next few days/weeks, what do you think would happen to the problem? How would this impact your relationship with (e.g., your daughter)? What difference would this make for you?

Tips to co-construct antidote (1) via unique outcomes (#47)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Explore unique outcomes	Have you ever been able to respond in a way that does not invite escalation in situations of conflict (with your child)? Have you ever decided to not engage in war? Have you ever been able to help them express their needs/stance in a more respectful or constructive way? Have you ever seen your child coping/managing their own frustration? Has your child ever decided to cope in a more constructive way? Have they ever decided to do something different other than (e.g, hitting)? Have they ever done something different to avoid getting to a place where blowing up seems unavoidable? Have you (parent) ever done something that helped them? What did you do in that occasion, which helped her to cope better? What did you do right after, when you noticed she was putting herself together? How did your child respond when you did that? If by exploring this episode in depth we could learn something about your capacity to foster inner control in your child, would you be interested in doing that?
Internalize personal agency	You mentioned that you did something different on that occasion, how did you do that? How did you manage to abstain from criticizing or rejecting their behavior, and tried instead opening space so that they could identify how they felt, or where this frustration was coming from? Was there anything different that you thought or felt that made it easier for you to empathize with what they were going through? Or that helped you respond differently?
Link personal agency with personal resources or skills	Where did you learn that? What does this skill or ability tell about yourself as a person? Why is this (e.g., “coping”; “frustration tolerance”) important to you? Is it that you want them to be assertive? Is it that you want them to become both assertive and respectful? What other values are at stake for you? Why are these values important to you?
Recruit a supporting team	Who could help you to recognize your own needs? Who could help you to satisfy your own needs in respectful ways? Who could help you to help them recognize/attend to their own needs? If ‘blowing up’ was taking control over you, what could your dad do to help you get stronger? Who could help your dad help you? Who else could help you?
Inquire about future effects of unique outcome	If you had further opportunities to support your child’s “respectful assertiveness” in the next few days/weeks, what do you think would happen to the problem? Increase or decrease? How would this impact your relationship with your daughter? What difference would this make for you?

Tips to weaken problematic interactions (3) via externalizing a problem-strengthening IDEA (#30)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Explore with curiosity the nature, history, effects, and tactics of the (potentially problematic) idea	What is it that worries you the most about the (e.g., ‘attacking’ ) issue? (e.g., “violence is totally unacceptable”) Can you tell me more about this idea? (e.g., “well, I don’t want to collude with it, I must stop it at once; there’s nothing to talk about it…”) In which situations has this idea been useful to you/your child/your relationship? Where did this idea come from? How has this idea affected your relationship with your child? What does this idea make you do that you don’t feel very proud about doing? Where is this idea more influential? How does this idea manage to convince you of its “truth”? When did you start “blindly obeying” this idea? Would you say that for you is “unacceptable”: that your child feels angry or frustrated, that he hasn’t learned how to manage these feelings in acceptable ways (yet); or that they behave in disrespectful ways to others?
Explore unique outcomes	Has there ever been a time when your child expressed their needs (or stances; or anger) in a more acceptable way? What happened on this occasion? What was different? What did you do? What did they do? What did your partner say? What was the first thing you noticed? How did you know that his anger was not “too bad”? What was it “about”? What have you done that has helped your child to manage such difficult feelings in more constructive/pro-social ways? What else? Who in your network may have some more ideas about how to better cope with frustration and anger?
Explore future effects of unique outcome	If your child was more willing to use your help to better manage their frustration, what do you think would happen to the problem? If your child believed that you are against disrespect (rather than against them, or their needs, or their expectations), what do you think would happen to the problem? If could child was convinced about your good intentions (e.g., about their own safety, or future), what would this mean to you? Who would be the most surprised if they did get convinced? Who would be the least surprised? Why? What would be different in your life? What would be different in your relationship with your child?

Tips to weaken problematic interactions (3) via externalizing a problem-strengthening IDEA (#47)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Explore with curiosity the nature, history, effects, and tactics of the (potentially problematic) idea	What is it that worries you the most about the (e.g., ‘attacking’ ) issue? (e.g., “violence is totally unacceptable”) Can you tell me more about this idea? (e.g., “well, I don’t want to collude with it, I must stop it at once; there’s nothing to talk about it…”) In which situations has this idea been useful to you/your child/your relationship? Where did this idea come from? How has this idea affected your relationship with your child? What does this idea make you do that you don’t feel very proud about doing? Where is this idea more influential? How does this idea manage to convince you of its “truth”? When did you start “blindly obeying” this idea? Would you say that for you is “unacceptable”: that your child feels angry or frustrated, that he hasn’t learned how to manage these feelings in acceptable ways (yet); or that they behave in disrespectful ways to others?
Explore unique outcomes	Has there ever been a time when your child expressed their needs (or stances; or anger) in a more acceptable way? What happened on this occasion? What was different? What did you do? What did they do? What did your partner say? What was the first thing you noticed? How did you know that his anger was not “too bad”? What was it “about”? What have you done that has helped your child to manage such difficult feelings in more constructive/pro-social ways? What else? Who in your network may have some more ideas about how to better cope with frustration and anger?
Explore future effects of unique outcome	If your child was more willing to use your help to better manage their frustration, what do you think would happen to the problem? If your child believed that you are against disrespect (rather than against them, or their needs, or their expectations), what do you think would happen to the problem? If could child was convinced about your good intentions (e.g., about their own safety, or future), what would this mean to you? Who would be the most surprised if they did get convinced? Who would be the least surprised? Why? What would be different in your life? What would be different in your relationship with your child?

Tips to weaken problematic interactions (2) via externalization (#30)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Name the problem: negotiate an experience-near formulation for the problem	How would you call this problem? Attacking? Giving up? Giving in? Hopelessness? Controlling emotions? Abuse? Not respecting others? Something else?
Explore the negative effects of the problem	Does the problem (e.g., ‘Attacking’) make you do things that you don’t like to do, or that you regret afterwards? (e.g., “giving in”, “tolerating aggression”, “colluding with violence”) What else does the problem make you do? What does your mom/dad/child do when you are under the influence of the problem? How strong would you say the problem is right now? What makes the problem bigger (or stronger)?
Explore unique outcomes (for more details check up on “tips via unique outcome”).	Did you ever managed/beat the problem (e.g., the ‘giving in’; the ‘attacking’)? How have you successfully coped with ‘violent reactions’ as a family in the past? Did ‘the problem’ ever complied with you, instead of you complying with it? When was (bearer of problem) able to lower the intensity (or frequency) of the problem? When was (bearer of problem) able to do something with the problem? How did you notice? What was the first thing you noticed? What did you/her do? What did your mom notice? What did she do? What happened on that occasion? What did others say about this?
Explore unique outcomes in the future	If (unique outcome) happened again in the next few days/weeks, what would happen to the problem? Do you think its influence in your life would increase or decrease? What difference would this make for you? What would be different in your life? What else?