| Aim or sub-task | Guiding questions |
| Explore with curiosity the nature, history, effects, and tactics of the (potentially problematic) idea | What is it that worries you the most about the (e.g., ‘attacking’ ) issue? (e.g., “violence is totally unacceptable”)
Can you tell me more about this idea? (e.g., “well, I don’t want to collude with it, I must stop it at once; there’s nothing to talk about it…”) In which situations has this idea been useful to you/your child/your relationship? Where did this idea come from? How has this idea affected your relationship with your child? What does this idea make you do that you don’t feel very proud about doing? Where is this idea more influential? How does this idea manage to convince you of its “truth”? When did you start “blindly obeying” this idea? Would you say that for you is “unacceptable”: that your child feels angry or frustrated, that he hasn’t learned how to manage these feelings in acceptable ways (yet); or that they behave in disrespectful ways to others? |
| Explore unique outcomes | Has there ever been a time when your child expressed their needs (or stances; or anger) in a more acceptable way?
What happened on this occasion? What was different? What did you do? What did they do? What did your partner say? What was the first thing you noticed? How did you know that his anger was not “too bad”? What was it “about”? What have you done that has helped your child to manage such difficult feelings in more constructive/pro-social ways? What else? Who in your network may have some more ideas about how to better cope with frustration and anger? |
| Explore future effects of unique outcome | If your child was more willing to use your help to better manage their frustration, what do you think would happen to the problem?
If your child believed that you are against disrespect (rather than against them, or their needs, or their expectations), what do you think would happen to the problem? If could child was convinced about your good intentions (e.g., about their own safety, or future), what would this mean to you? Who would be the most surprised if they did get convinced? Who would be the least surprised? Why? What would be different in your life? What would be different in your relationship with your child? |
Category: Weaken problem
deconstructive tips
Tips to weaken problematic interactions (3) via externalizing a problem-strengthening IDEA (#47)
| Aim or sub-task | Guiding questions |
| Explore with curiosity the nature, history, effects, and tactics of the (potentially problematic) idea | What is it that worries you the most about the (e.g., ‘attacking’ ) issue? (e.g., “violence is totally unacceptable”)
Can you tell me more about this idea? (e.g., “well, I don’t want to collude with it, I must stop it at once; there’s nothing to talk about it…”) In which situations has this idea been useful to you/your child/your relationship? Where did this idea come from? How has this idea affected your relationship with your child? What does this idea make you do that you don’t feel very proud about doing? Where is this idea more influential? How does this idea manage to convince you of its “truth”? When did you start “blindly obeying” this idea? Would you say that for you is “unacceptable”: that your child feels angry or frustrated, that he hasn’t learned how to manage these feelings in acceptable ways (yet); or that they behave in disrespectful ways to others? |
| Explore unique outcomes | Has there ever been a time when your child expressed their needs (or stances; or anger) in a more acceptable way?
What happened on this occasion? What was different? What did you do? What did they do? What did your partner say? What was the first thing you noticed? How did you know that his anger was not “too bad”? What was it “about”? What have you done that has helped your child to manage such difficult feelings in more constructive/pro-social ways? What else? Who in your network may have some more ideas about how to better cope with frustration and anger? |
| Explore future effects of unique outcome | If your child was more willing to use your help to better manage their frustration, what do you think would happen to the problem?
If your child believed that you are against disrespect (rather than against them, or their needs, or their expectations), what do you think would happen to the problem? If could child was convinced about your good intentions (e.g., about their own safety, or future), what would this mean to you? Who would be the most surprised if they did get convinced? Who would be the least surprised? Why? What would be different in your life? What would be different in your relationship with your child? |
Tips to weaken problematic interactions (2) via externalization (#30)
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Aim or sub-task |
Guiding questions |
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Name the problem: negotiate an experience-near formulation for the problem |
How would you call this problem? Attacking? Giving up? Giving in? Hopelessness? Controlling emotions? Abuse? Not respecting others? Something else? |
|
Explore the negative effects of the problem |
Does the problem (e.g., ‘Attacking’) make you do things that you don’t like to do, or that you regret afterwards? (e.g., “giving in”, “tolerating aggression”, “colluding with violence”) What else does the problem make you do? How strong would you say the problem is right now? What makes the problem bigger (or stronger)? |
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Explore unique outcomes (for more details check up on “tips via unique outcome”). |
Did you ever managed/beat the problem (e.g., the ‘giving in’; the ‘attacking’)? How have you successfully coped with ‘violent reactions’ as a family in the past? Did ‘the problem’ ever complied with you, instead of you complying with it? When was (bearer of problem) able to lower the intensity (or frequency) of the problem? When was (bearer of problem) able to do something with the problem? How did you notice? What was the first thing you noticed? What did you/her do? What did your mom notice? What did she do? What happened on that occasion? What did others say about this? |
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Explore unique outcomes in the future |
If (unique outcome) happened again in the next few days/weeks, what would happen to the problem? Do you think its influence in your life would increase or decrease? What difference would this make for you? What would be different in your life? What else? |
Tips to weaken problematic interactions (2) via externalization (#47)
|
Aim or sub-task |
Guiding questions |
|
Name the problem: negotiate an experience-near formulation for the problem |
How would you call this problem? Attacking? Insulting? Anger management? Blowing up? Giving up? Lack of control? Self-centeredness? Not respecting others? War? Something else? If we had a thermometer measuring temperature from 1 to 100 degrees, where 100 is the worst because you totally blow up, where would you be right now in the ‘attacking’ scale? |
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Explore the negative effects of the problem |
Does the problem (e.g., ‘Attacking’) make you do things that you don’t like to do, or that you regret afterwards? (e.g., “yelling” “physically restraining”) What else does the problem make you do? What makes the problem bigger (or stronger)? If we asked your mom, how can she tell when the thermometer went from 20° to 50°? To 70°? To 90°? |
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Explore unique outcomes (for more details check up on “tips via unique outcome”). |
Did you ever managed/beat the problem (e.g., the ‘attacking’; the ‘yelling’)? How have you successfully coped with ‘frustration’ as a family? Did the problem ever complied with you, instead of you complying with it? When was (bearer of problem) able to lower the intensity (or frequency) of the problem? When was (bearer of problem) able to do something with the problem? How did you notice? What was the first thing you noticed? What did you/her do? What did your mom notice? What did she do? What happened on that occasion? What did others say about this? |
|
Explore unique outcomes in the future |
If (unique outcome) happened again in the next few days/weeks, what would happen to the problem? Do you think its influence in your life would increase or decrease? What difference would this make for you? What would be different in your life? What else? |
Tips to weaken problematic interactions (1) via intention-effect (#30)
| Aim or sub-task | Guiding questions |
| Obtain a prototype of the problematic behavior or situation | Can you tell me a typical situation in which this problem (e.g., “attacking”; “disqualifying”; “blowing up”; “losing it”; etc.) takes place? How would you call it? Can you describe how it was the last time that this problem happened? |
| Obtain a typical response (TR) to problematic behavior | How did you respond in this situation? What did you do when X behaved in that (problematic) way? (e.g., “everything I’ve tried make things worse; I just do nothing now”; “I just give them what they want”) |
| Search for positive intention behind TR | What did you expect it would happen by doing that (TR)?What was the outcome you were looking for?What were you intending? (e.g., “I wanted to avoid more violence”; “protect myself”) |
| Separate intention from actual effect | Comparing with your situation say, a year ago, would you say violence/threats/sense of safety have increased or decreased? (e.g., “oh, definitely increased!”)What has been the long-term consequences of the “avoidance technique” for your relationship?What has been the effect of doing that according to (others) participating in the situation?Would you say this/these is/are not the result(s) that you have been hoping for? |
| Formulate negative feelings or “stance” on actual effect | Sometimes finding effective ways to (“Protect yourself”; “decrease violence”) can be hard; I wonder how do you feel when you realize that (in the long run) the “avoidance technique” may have produced effects that you weren’t intending?What happens to you when you realize about what actually happened? |
| Separate agent from action | If you had known in advance what the actual effect would be, would you have done something different?If you were convinced that in a situation like this there were some things you could do to prevent this negative effect, would you do it? |
| Formulate ‘absent but implicit’ value | Why would you do something different? What values are at stake for you here?What would be different for you if your intentions came across without distortion to your child? |
Tips to weaken problematic interactions (1) via intention-effect (#47)
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Aim or sub-task |
Guiding questions |
|
Obtain a prototype of the problematic behavior or situation |
Can you tell me a typical situation in which this problem (e.g., “attacking”; “insulting”; “melting down”; “blowing up”; “losing it”; etc.) takes place? How would you call it? Can you describe how it was the last time that this problem happened? |
|
Obtain a typical response (TR) to problematic behavior |
How did you respond in this situation? What did you do when X behaved in that (problematic) way? (e.g., “time out”; “I made it clear that insulting and hitting her brother was not allowed”, “I send my child to their room…”, “I yelled at them”, “I swore”) |
|
Search for positive intention behind TR |
What did you expect it would happen by doing that (TR)? What was the outcome you were looking for? What were you intending? (e.g., “I wanted them to understand and learn that harming others is not ok”; “I wanted them to learn how to cope better when facing frustration/obstacles/stressing situations”) |
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Separate intention from actual effect |
What would you say was the immediate effect of doing what you did (RT)? (e.g., “they become even more mad; started throwing objects…”; “counter-attacking”; “ignored me”) What has been the long-term consequences for your relationship? What has been the effect of doing that according to the other person participating in the situation? Would you say this/these is/are not the result(s) that you were hoping for? |
|
Formulate negative feelings or “stance” on actual effect |
How do you feel when you realize that you could have produced effects that you weren’t intending? What happens to you when you realize about what actually happened? |
|
Separate agent from action |
If you had known in advance what the actual effect would be, would you have done something different? If you were convinced that in a situation like this there is something you could do to prevent this negative effect, would you do it? |
|
Formulate ‘absent but implicit’ value |
Why would you do something different? What values are at stake for you here? What would be different for you if your intentions came across without distortion to your child? |
Tips to weaken problematic interactions (3) via externalizing a problem-strengthening IDEA (#46)
| Aim or sub-task | Guiding questions |
| Explore with curiosity the nature, history, effects, and tactics of the (potentially problematic) idea | What is it that worries you the most about this idea (e.g., “To avoid colluding with dishonesty, I must strongly reject any of its manifestations”)
Where did this idea (e.g,. “if I tell the truth they won’t love me anymore”) came from? How does this idea (e.g., that you must strongly reject dishonesty) interfere with your life? How has this idea affected your relationship with your child? How do you think your child feels when he perceives you as under the influence of this idea? Where is this idea more influential? How does this idea manage to convince you of its “truth”? When did you start “blindly obeying” this idea? If you convinced yourself that your child knows very well that (lying) is a bad thing, that you would never collude with dishonesty by accepting the behavior, but that he needs some help to get stronger against the impulse to lie… what do you thing would happen with this idea? |
| Explore unique outcomes | Has there ever been a time when this idea was ‘weaker’ in your mind? Has there ever been a time when a different, more helpful idea came up to mind about what was behind her “cheating” in that particular way? What was it?
Alternatively to child: Has there ever been a time when you were sure that dad was rejecting your behavior and not yourself? What happened on this occasion? What was different as a result if this different idea coming up? What did you do different? What did s/he do? What did your partner say? What was the first thing you noticed? What have you done that has helped your child to respond differently? What else? |
| Explore future effects of unique outcome | If your child believed that it is more important to you that s/he is really trying, and making small progress, what do you think would happen to the problem?
If your child believed that you condemn “the deed” but not “the doer”, what do you think would happen to the problem? If could child was convinced about your good intentions, what would this mean to you? Who would be the most surprised if s/he did get convinced? Who would be the least surprised? Why? What would be different in your life? What would be different in your relationship with your child? |
Tips to weaken problematic interactions (2) via externalization (#46)
|
Aim or sub-task |
Guiding questions |
|
Name the problem: negotiate an experience-near formulation for the problem
|
How would you call this problem? (e.g., “lying”; “stealing”; “cheating”; “hiding”, “denying”, “evading”, “melting down”). In a scale from 1 to 10, how intense the problem (e.g., of “lying”) would be right now? |
|
Explore the negative effects of the problem
|
Does the problem (e.g., ‘lying’) make you do things that you don’t like to do, or that you regret afterwards? What does the problem make you do? What else? What makes the problem bigger (or stronger)? If we asked your mom, how can she tell when the problem went from 3 to 5 in the scale? To 7? To 9? How does she do, or how does she respond when the ‘little devil’ made you say that? What else does the little devil make you to do, that you are not proud about doing afterwards? How does that make you feel? |
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Explore unique outcomes (for more details check up on “tips via unique outcome”).
|
Did you ever beat the problem (e.g., the ‘impulse to lie’; the ‘little devil’)? Did the problem ever complied with you, instead of you complying with it? When was (bearer of problem) able to lower the intensity (or frequency) of the problem? When was (bearer of problem) able to do something with the problem? How did you notice? What was the first thing you noticed? What did you/her do? What did your mom notice? What did she do? What happened on that occasion? What did others say about this? |
|
Explore unique outcomes in the future
|
If (unique outcome) happened again in the next few days/weeks, what would happen to the problem? Do you think its influence in your life would increase or decrease? What difference would this make for you? What would be different in your life? What else? |
Tips to weaken problematic interactions (1) via intention-effect (#46)
|
Aim or sub-task |
Guiding questions |
|
Obtain a prototype of the problematic behavior or situation |
Can you tell me a typical situation in which this problem (e.g., “lying”; “stealing”; “cheating”; “hiding”, “denying”, “evading”, etc) takes place? How would you call it? Can you describe how it was the last time that this problem happened? |
|
Obtain a typical response (TR) to problematic behavior |
How did you respond in this situation? What did you do when X behaved in that (problematic) way? (e.g., I tried to let her know that…; I explained that…; I demanded….; I yelled…) |
|
Search for positive intention behind TR |
What did you expect it would happen by doing that (e.g., demanding immediately admitting or other TR)? What was the outcome you were looking for? What were you intending? |
|
Separate intention from actual effect |
What would you say was the immediate effect of doing what you did (RT)? What has been the long-term consequences for your relationship? What has been the effect of doing that according to the other person participating in the situation? Would you say this is not the result that you were hoping for? |
|
Formulate negative feelings or “stance” on actual effect |
How do you feel when you realize that you could have produced effects that you weren’t intending? What happens to you when you realize about what actually happened? |
|
Separate agent from action |
If you had known in advance what the actual effect would be, would you have done something different? If you were convinced that in a situation like this there is something you could do to prevent this negative effect, would you do it? |
|
Formular valor ausente pero implícito |
Why would you do something different? What values are at stake for you here? What would be different for you if your intentions came across without distortion to the other? |
Tips to weaken problematic interactions (3) via externalizing a problem-strengthening IDEA (#28)
| Aim or sub-task | Guiding questions |
| Explore with curiosity the nature, history, effects, and tactics of the (potentially problematic) idea | What is it that worries you the most about the (e.g., ‘attacking’ ) issue? (e.g., “violence is totally unacceptable”)
Can you tell me more about this idea? (e.g., “well, I don’t want to collude with it, I must stop it at once; there’s nothing to talk about it…”) In which situations has this idea been useful to you/your child/your relationship? Where did this idea come from? How has this idea affected your relationship with your child? Where is this idea more influential? How does this idea manage to convince you of its “truth”? When did you start “blindly obeying” this idea? Would you say that for you is “unacceptable”: that your child feels angry or frustrated, that he hasn’t learned how to manage these feelings in acceptable ways (yet); or that they behave in disrespectful ways to others? |
| Explore unique outcomes | Has there ever been a time when your child expressed anger in a more acceptable way?
What happened on this occasion? What was different? What did you do? What did they do? What did your partner say? What was the first thing you noticed? How did you know that his anger was not “too bad”? What was it “about”? What have you done that has helped your child to manage such difficult feelings in more constructive/pro-social ways? What else? Who in your network may have some more ideas about how to better cope with frustration and anger? |
| Explore future effects of unique outcome | If your child was more willing to use your help to better manage their frustration, what do you think would happen to the problem?
If your child believed that you are against disrespect (rather than against them, or their needs, or their expectations), what do you think would happen to the problem? If could child was convinced about your good intentions (e.g., about their own safety, or future), what would this mean to you? Who would be the most surprised if they did get convinced? Who would be the least surprised? Why? What would be different in your life? What would be different in your relationship with your child? |
