Invite antidote – Page 2 – WIPscope

Tips to co-construct antidote (2) via exception (#28)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Formulate a hypothetical solution	Imagine this issue of ‘blowing up’ solved out, what would be different? What would you see different? What would you hear different? What would you think/feel different? How would you respond or do different?
Identify critical factors in hypothetical solution	What might have you done that helped your child (or yourself) to have more ability to manage frustration more constructively/acceptably? When the problem was resolved, how do you think you would respond? When you responded like this, what effect do you imagine it would have on the other?
Identify an exception to the problem	When have you been able to help your child to better cope with frustration and anger? When have you been able to cope better yourself? Have you ever been able to resist the impulse to hit (back)? Have you ever been able to (help them) express your/their frustration without harming others? Have you ever been able to stop the “escalation”? What did you do different on that occasion? What else did you notice when you did? What was different?
Amplify exception in the present	How did you did that (exceptional response)? How else did you empower yourself to be patient and understanding, and didn’t let frustration manage/drive you? How did you manage not to surrender to the anxiety that came up for you when you saw your child was…? Where did you learn that? What did you do to get ready or prepare to make that step in that occasion? What other personal resources did you rely on to make this step? What did you notice different in the relationship with your child when you did that (exceptional response)? What did you notice different in yourself? What did other members of your family noticed? Who was the first in noticing the difference? Who was the second? Third? How did others respond? How did you feel when they did that? How did the rest of your day go after this happened? What did you notice later?
Co-create a new future	When you act upon these ideas/exceptional experiences, what difference will it make for you? What difference will it make about how you feel about the episode? About yourself? When you feel like that, what will be easier to do from that mindset/mood/state of mind/stance etc.? How will this orient you towards a new direction in your life? While you continue going in this preferred direction, how will your new future be different from your old future?
Formulate a step by step plan	Would you be interested in working (with your parents) to figure out new ways to (expand exceptions/resist problems)? Who else could we recruit as part of your supporting team? How could they help with this? What could their contributions be? What difference does it make for your next steps knowing that you were capable of resisting the immediate impulse this time? What ideas does this success give you about what your next step could be? How will you know that your next step was successful? How else would you like to restrict the power that “frustration” may have in your family?

Tips to co-construct antidote (1) via unique outcomes (#28)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Explore unique outcomes	Have you ever seen your child coping/managing their own frustration? Has your child ever decided to cope in a more constructive way? Have they ever decided to do something different other than (e.g, hitting)? Have they ever done something different to avoid getting to a place where blowing up seems unavoidable? Have you (parent) ever done something that helped them? What did you do in that occasion, which helped her to cope better? What did you do right after, when you noticed she was putting herself together? How did your child respond when you did that? If by exploring this episode in depth we could learn something about your capacity to foster inner control in your child, would you be interested in doing that?
Internalize personal agency	You mentioned that you did something different on that occasion, how did you do that? How did you manage to abstain from criticizing or rejecting their behavior, and tried instead opening space so that they could identify where this frustration was coming from? Was there anything different that you thought or felt that made it easier for you to empathize with what they were going through? Or that helped you respond differently?
Link personal agency with personal resources or skills	Where did you learn that? What does this skill or ability tell about yourself as a person? Why is this (e.g., “coping”; “frustration tolerance”) important to you? Is it that you want them to be assertive? Is it that you want them to become both assertive and respectful? What other values are at stake for you? Why are these values important to you?
Recruit a supporting team	Who could help you to recognize your own needs? Who could help you to satisfy your own needs in respectful ways? Who could help you to help them recognize/attend to their own needs? If ‘blowing up’ was taking control over you, what could your dad do to help you get stronger? Who could help your dad help you? Who else could help you?
Inquire about future effects of unique outcome	If you had further opportunities to support your child’s “respectful assertiveness” in the next few days/weeks, what do you think would happen to the problem? Increase or decrease? How would this impact your relationship with your daughter? What difference would this make for you?

Tips to co-construct antidote (3) via thickening preferences (#2)

Aims or “steps”	Guiding questions
Identify a good or relational preference (behavior, emotion, ability attitude, intention, identity, values etc. that seem important in people’s life)	You said your son was ‘going crazy’ and there’s something wrong about this, am I getting this right? What would you say is wrong about ‘going crazy’? Would you say your worry is about the ‘disconnection’ it implies? Or perhaps about a kind of learning disability it is associated with? ; Or perhaps something else? When would you say ‘criticism’ is your ally, in the sense that it helps you to help him learn and when would you say ‘criticism’ is your enemy in the sense that it generates disconnection and destroys an appropriate context to learn? There are parents who want to help their children learn to…….is that important for you? Did you ever notice anything that would resemble or approximated to that ability?
Characterize the preference	What do you call that? Does your daughter know that you want to promote her ability to listen and appreciate the help of others in order to develop and learn? How would you know she is more appreciative in that sense? Do you know someone like this? How difficult or how long do you think it takes to develop this kind of ability? When did you see her to develop this ability in any level? Who is the best at home to show this ability? The second best? The third?
Discover inspirations or reasons (usefulness, goodness, beauty).	Why does it seem “ugly” such ‘disconnecting habit’? Why do you find admirable not to lose the connection and, instead, keep connected, perhaps learning how to listen to others? Why it is useful? What has life taught you about appreciating others’ input? Where did you learn that from? What would happen in your relationship with your daughter if she decided to value and accept your willingness to develop this ability? What do you think could happen after one year? After 10 years?
Notice (changes in) state of the preference	Who has ever made some improvement in favoring ways to maintain the connection for mutual learning? Have you noticed any difference in yourself? In your daughter in the last year? Since a month ago? How did you notice it? How long are the disconnection episodes going on? Or ‘going crazy’ now? From 1 to 10, how much would you say? What makes him notice successes to reconnection? What else have you noticed that helps you?
Plan, act and consolidate	What (else) would you do in order to support/exercise this ability? Do you have a plan? How will you practice the “muscles” you need to exercise this ability? What do these changes say about your relationship? What are they becoming?

Tips to co-construct antidote (2) via exception (#2)

Aims or “steps”	Guiding questions
Formulate hypothetical solution	Imagine that this problem of going crazy or disconnecting is solved, what would happen? How would it be different? What would you see? What would you hear? What would you feel?
Identify what facilitated the hypothetical solution	What might have you done that helped to have more connection (in your imagined example)? When the problem was resolved, how do you think you would respond? When you responded like this, what effect do you imagine it would have on the other?
Identify exception	When did you resist criticizing and blaming? What did you do different on that occasion? What difference did you notice when you did this? How else did you empower yourself and didn’t let the critical voice drive you?
Extend exception in the present	What difference did you notice in your relationship with your son when you did this? What difference did you notice in yourself? What did your family members notice? Who was the first one to notice the difference? Second? Third? How did they respond? How did you feel when they did this? What did you do? How did you do it? How do you manage to resist the temptation to criticize? How did you manage your fear/anxiety when you saw your son…? Where did you learn to do that? How did you get ready? How did you prepare to take this step? In what relationships or personal resources did you trust to do this? How was the rest of your day when this happened? What difference did you notice later?
Co-create a new future with the person	When you act on these ideas, what difference will it make in how you feel about yourself? When you feel this way, what will be easier? How does this guide in a new direction in your life? While you continue in that direction, how would your new future differ from your old future?

Tips to co-construct antidote (1) via unique outcomes (#2)

Aims or “steps”	Guiding questions
Explore extraordinary events	Was there ever a time when your daughter showed responsibility or surprised you about how well she did something? What did you do that time that allowed her to do that? What did you do that time that allowed you to notice that she had done that? What did you do right after when you noticed she was taking over? How did she respond when you did that? If exploring in depth this event we could learn something about your ability to build their learning capacity, for example through noticing your successes, would you be interested?
Internalize personal agenda	You said that this time you did something different; how you did you do that? How were you able to ‘forget’ everything bad that had happened and assess this exception when she managed to reconnect and listen to what you said? How were you able to refrain from blaming and try to open a space for her to become aware of what had happened? Was there something different that you thought or observed or felt was made stronger to respond differently?
Connect with person’s skills	Where did you learn it from? What does this skill say about you? What kind of person are you?
Recruit a support team	Who could help you make even stronger? Who could help you do it? If the impulse to criticize was beating you, what could others do to help you? If ”playing dumb” was beating you, what could your father do to help you? Who else can help you? Who could help your dad to help you?
Investigate extraordinary event effects in the future	If you had more opportunities to support your daughter’s inner control in the upcoming weeks, what do you think would happen to the problem? Would it increase or decrease its presence and influence in your relationship with your daughter? What would this mean for you?

Tips to co-construct antidote (3) via thickening preferences (#27)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Identify a relational preference (preferred relational understanding such as preferred emotions, capacities, behaviours, attitudes, intentions, identities, ways of relating).	You said your child had ‘low self-esteem’; how much do you think she understand why this is a ‘bad’ thing for you? Is it that you have to trust in yourself if you want to succeed? Is it that you value personal accomplishments? Something else? (To ‘bearer’ of problem) what is it that you value about ‘clamming up? does it help you to feel safe? Is it like a shield? Shield to what? If there were other forms to protect yourself, or make some changes so that protection wasn’t needed as much, would you be interested in figuring them out? When would you say the ‘clamming up’ turns into a “bad thing” for you, because makes you do things that go against your best interest? Why would you say this does against your best interest? Some parents sometimes want to help their children to learn to take risks and trust themselves… is that important to you? Why? Did you ever noticed something that would get close to such ability/learning?
Characterize the preference	How would you call this “good” thing you seem to be after? (e.g., “(supporting) self-confidence”; “trusting others for help”; “being authentic”; “courage to take risks”). Does your child know that you are interested in promoting her ability to nurture…. (e.g., “self-efficacy”)? When have you seen her exercising “self-confidence” to some degree? How would you know that she is getting more confident? Have you met people who are very confident but still cautious, perhaps admirable for that? Who is better at home at trusting oneself and others for support? Second best? Third?
Bring forth powerful inspirations (e.g., utility, goodness, beauty, or other “good reasons”).	Would you say there’s something ‘ugly’ about “isolating”? if so, can you tell me more about that? Why would you say connecting and trusting others for support is desirable? Sometimes even admirable? What has life taught you about the importance of “trusting others/oneself”? Why is it good? Why is it useful? Where did you learn that from? What would happen immediately in your relationship with your child if they believed you think it is good but not easy to trust people who love you? What would happen after a year? After 10 years?
Track ongoing changes in relation to preference	Who has gotten better at (supporting) self-confidence at home? Who has noticed some difference in your child’s “self-esteem” in the last year? In the last month? How have you noticed that? How long are these ‘clamming up” episodes these last few days? From 1 to 10, how intense are they now in your head/heart? How frequent? What does ‘self-confidence’ do to “clamming up”? What does ‘empathy & support’ do to “self-deprecation”? (When unhelpful interaction is being enacted in session: does questioning/demanding/pressure help you? What else helps you?)
Plan, do, and consolidate	What else are you going to do to Support/exercise self-confidence? Do you have a plan? How would you practice your “self-confidence muscles”? Who may have some other ideas? What do these changes tell about what the relationship between you is becoming? What are you becoming into?

Tips to co-construct antidote (2) via exception (#27)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Formulate a hypothetical solution	Imagine this issue of ‘low self-esteem’ solved out, what would be different? What would you see different? What would you hear different? What would you think/feel different? How would you respond or do different?
Identify critical factors in hypothetical solution	What did you do that helped solving out this problem, in this imagined situation? When the problem solved out, how did you respond? When you responded like that, what did you observe as an effect? How others responded to your response?
Identify an exception to the problem	When have you been able to resist engaging in ‘you were wrong’, and opened space for him to share what was going on for them? What did you notice when you did? What was different? I heard you saying that there was a time when he was able to ‘put himself together and give it another try’; can you tell me more about this?
Amplify exception in the present	How did you did that (exception)? How else did you empowered yourself and didn’t let ‘clamming up’ (or “I have to question this attitude”) manage you? How did you manage not to surrender to the anxiety/anger that came up for you when you saw your child was…? Where did you learn that? What did you do to get ready or prepare to make that step in that occasion? What other personal resources did you rely on to make this step? What did you notice different in the relationship with your child when you did that (exception)? What did you notice different in yourself? What did other members of your family noticed? Who was the first in noticing the difference? Who was the second? Third? How did others respond? How did you feel when they did that? How did the rest of your day go after this happened? What did you notice later?
Co-create a new future	When you act upon these ideas, what difference will it make for you? What difference will it make about how you feel about the episode? About yourself? When you feel like that, what will be easier to do from that mindset/mood/state of mind/stance etc.? How will this orient you towards a new direction in your life? While you continue going in this preferred direction, how will your new future be different from your old future?
Formulate a step by step plan	Would you be interested in working (with your parents) to figure out new ways to (expand solutions/resist problems)? Who else could we recruit as part of your supporting team? How could they help with this? What could their contributions be? What difference does it make for your next steps knowing that you were capable of resisting the ‘unnecessary self-protection’ this time? What ideas does this success give you about what your next step could be? How will you know that your next step was successful? How else would you like to restrict the power that “compulsion to confront” (or “compulsion to flight”) may have in your family?

Tips to co-construct antidote (1) via unique outcomes (#27)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Explore unique outcomes	Have you ever seen your child overcoming a hard time? Has they ever able to overcome the impulse to isolate and trust someone else? Has they ever decided to do something different other than surrender to anguish? Has they ever done something different to avoid getting to a place where ‘clamming up’ seems unavoidable? What did you do in that occasion, which helped her to accomplish this? What did you do right after, when you noticed she was getting stronger to fight with ‘self-doubt’? How did your child respond when you did that? If by exploring this episode in depth we could learn something about your capacity to foster further self-confidence in your child, would you be interested in doing that?
Internalize personal agency	You mentioned that you did something different on that occasion, how did you do that? How did you manage to abstain from questioning and demanding, and tried instead opening space so that they could share what was going on for them? Was there anything different that you thought or felt that made you stronger, so that you could respond differently in that occasion?
Link personal agency with personal resources or skills	Where did you learn that? What does this skill or ability tell about yourself as a person?
Recruit a supporting team	Who could help you to get stronger at containing anguish? Who could help you to get stronger at avoid unwittingly pressuring and support her in her struggle? Who could help you to help? If ‘self-doubt’ was taking control over you, what could your dad do to help you get stronger? Who could help your dad help you? Who else could help you?
Inquire about future effects of unique outcome	If in the next few days/weeks you had further opportunities to support your child’s desire to get stronger at trusting, and sharing frustration with others, what do you think would happen to the problem? Would its presence (or power to influence your relationship with your daughter) increase or decrease? What difference would this make for you?

Tips to co-construct antidote (3) Via thickening preferences (#1)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Identify a relational preference (preferred relational understanding such as preferred emotions, capacities, behaviours, attitudes, intentions, identities, ways of relating).	You said your child was very upset, and I thought you wanted to say that wasn’t right for you, is that a fair statement? According to you, the bad thing about it is getting upset, losing control, or something else? (To ‘bearer’ of problem) what is it that you value about being upset? Does it give you strength? Does it help you express something you are unable to express with words sometimes? Does it help you to express something you find unfair? When would you say the ‘upset’ helps you, and when does it turn into a “bad thing”, because makes you do things you do not feel proud of doing? Some parents sometimes want to help their children to learn self-control… is that important to you? Some parents want to help their children to make good decisions for their lives…is that important to you? Did you ever noticed something that would get close to such ability/learning?
Characterize the preference	How would you call this? (e.g., “self-control”; “inner control”; “assertiveness”; “promoting autonomy”; “respecting others’ rights”). Does your child know that you are interested in promoting her…. (e.g., autonomy)? When have you seen her exercising autonomy (or “inner control”) to some degree? How would you know that she is getting more autonomy? Have you met people who make good, autonomous decisions, commit and take responsibility for their decisions, etc? Who is better at home at exercising inner control? Second best? Third?
Bring forth powerful inspirations (e.g., utility, goodness, beauty, or other “good reasons”).	Would you say there’s something ‘ugly’ about “lack of self-control”? if so, can you tell me more about that? Why would you say autonomy is somewhat desirable? Admirable perhaps? Why is it useful? What has life taught you about the importance of “self-control”? Where did you learn that from? What would happen immediately in your relationship with your child if they decided appreciating and welcoming your willingness for her to gain more autonomy? What would happen after a year? After 10 years?
Track ongoing changes in relation to preference	Who has gotten better at (supporting) self-control at home? Who has noticed some difference in your child’s “inner control” in the last year? In the last month? How have you noticed that? How long are these ‘meltdown episodes’ now? From 1 to 10, how intense are they now? How frequent? What does ‘patience’ do to “outer control”? (When unhelpful interaction is being enacted in session: does nagging help you? What else helps you?)
Plan, do, and consolidate	What else are you going to do to Support/exercise inner control? Do you have a plan? How would you practice your “autonomy muscles”? Who may have some other ideas? What do these changes tell about what the relationship between you is becoming? What are you becoming into?

Tips to co-construct antidote (2) Via exception (#1)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Formulate a hypothetical solution	Imagine this issue of ‘blowing up’ solved out, what would be different? What would you see different? What would you hear different? What would you think/feel different? How would you respond or do different?
Identify critical factors in hypothetical solution	What did you do that helped solving out this problem? When the problem solved out, how did you respond? When you responded like that, what did you observe as an effect? How others responded to your response?
Identify an exception to the problem	When have you been able to resist engaging in exercising ‘outer control’, and opened space for ‘inner control’ to take place? Have you ever resisted to engage in exercising outer control? What did you notice when you did? What was different?
Amplify exception in the present	How did you did that (exception)? How else did you empowered yourself and didn’t let outer control manage you? How did you manage not to surrender to the anxiety that came up for you when you saw your child was…? Where did you learn that? What did you do to get ready or prepare to make that step in that occasion? What other personal resources did you rely on to make this step? What did you notice different in the relationship with your child when you did that (exception)? What did you notice different in yourself? What did other members of your family noticed? Who was the first in noticing the difference? Who was the second? Third? How did others respond? How did you feel when they did that? How did the rest of your day go after this happened? What did you notice later?
Co-create a new future	When you act upon these ideas, what difference will it make for you? What difference will it make about how you feel about the episode? About yourself? When you feel like that, what will be easier to do from that mindset/mood/state of mind/stance etc.? How will this orient you towards a new direction in your life? While you continue going in this preferred direction, how will your new future be different from your old future?
Formulate a step by step plan	Would you be interested in working (with your parents) to figure out new ways to (expand solutions/resist problems)? Who else could we recruit as part of your supporting team? How could they help with this? What could their contributions be? What difference does it make for your next steps knowing that you were capable of resisting the temptation this time? What ideas does this success give you about what your next step could be? How will you know that your next step was successful? How else would you like to restrict the power that “outer control” may have in your family?