| Aim or sub-task | Guiding questions |
| Explore unique outcomes | Have you ever seen your child showing self-control? Has she ever decided to control him/herself instead of losing it? Has he ever decided to do something different other than melting down? Has she ever done something different to avoid getting to a place where melting down seems unavoidable? What did you do in that occasion, which helped her to control herself? What did you do right after, when you noticed she was putting herself together? How did your child respond when you did that? If by exploring this episode in depth we could learn something about your capacity to foster inner control in your child, would you be interested in doing that? |
| Internalize personal agency | You mentioned that you did something different on that occasion, how did you do that? How did you manage to abstain from attempting to control her behavior, and tried instead opening space so that he could control himself? Was there anything different that you thought or felt that made you stronger, so that you could respond differently? |
| Link personal agency with personal resources or skills | Where did you learn that? What does this skill or ability tell about yourself as a person? |
| Recruit a supporting team | Who could help you to make good decisions? Who could help you to help? If ‘blowing up’ was taking control over you, what could your dad do to help you get stronger? Who could help your dad help you? Who else could help you? |
| Inquire about future effects of unique outcome | If you had further opportunities to support your child’s inner control in the next few days/weeks, what do you think would happen to the problem? Would its presence (or power to influence your relationship with your daughter) increase or decrease? What difference would this make for you? |
Category: Invite antidote
constructive tips
Tips for co-building “cooperation” (via extraordinary event)
| Objective | Guide questions |
| Explore extraordinary events | Was there ever a cooperating child? Have you ever decided Cooperate? What did you do right after, when you noticed that she was self-control? How did she respond when you did that? What did you do that time, that allowed her to exercise self-control? If by exploring this episode in depth, we could learn something about your ability to foster cooperation, would you be interested? |
| Internalize personal agency | You said you did something different that time, how did you do it? How you were able to stop the autopilot (p. for example, refrain from shouting that were going to do what you asked), and try a more communication mode effective, for her to take initiative or be a cooperator? Was there anything distinguishing that you thought or observed or felt that made you stronger, as to do something different than usual? |
| Connect with the person’s skills | Where Learned? What does it say of you this skill, and been able to respond differently? What kind of the person are you? |
| Recruit a support team | Who could help you facilitate cooperation/be more cooperative? Who could help you help? If you is gaining the out of control What can your dad do? Who more could help you? Who more could help them? Who could I help your dad help you? |
| Inquire of the event extraordinary to the future | If your dad wanted to train patience, how would you notice he’s making an effort? How would you respond to his effort? If you had your mom, I’d have a better chance of ask you for some things calmly, what do you think would happen to the problem? How much would your presence and influence decrease in the relationship with your dad? What would this mean for you? And for you? |
Tips for co-constructing cooperation (via thickening preferences)
| Objective | Guide questions |
| Identify a practice as a favorite (e.g., connoting it as preferred in relation to a “problematic” one) Note: “practice” can be a behavior, emotion, ability, attitude, intent, idea, identity, or any other “reality” signified as very important in a person’s relational life) | Do you think there is a difference between giving orders/commanding/forcing and asking calmly? How can you tell when you are giving an order/commanding/forcing and when you are asking things calmly? You said that your son was very angry and that he was “wrong”; Is that so? According to you, What’s wrong with getting angry in situations like that? Not taking an initiative to collaborate? Not taking others into consideration? Demanding rights without any Obligations? Something else? Do you like anger because it gives you “strength”? does it help you express that you don’t like being bossed around? Do you like being autonomous, being able to show that if you weren’t commanded you would do things by yourself? There’s parents who want to help their children learn to take responsibilities (or to control themselves; or to respect others; or Is that something important to you? When have you noticed glimpses of these learnings? |
| Characterize preference | How would you call that? Does your daughter know that you’re interested in promoting your “capacity to cooperate”? How would you know that she’s being more cooperative? Do you know someone who is cooperative? When Have you seen her exercise any degree of cooperation? Who is the best in the house to cooperate? Second best? The third one?… |
| Discover inspirations or reasons (e.g., utility, kindness, beauty). | Why do you find it “ugly” not to cooperate? Why do you find it admirable to cooperate? How does it serve you? What has life taught you about the importance of being cooperative? Where Did you learn that? What would happen immediately in your relationship with your daughter if she decided to value and accept your willingness for her to develop cooperation skills? What would happen after a year? after 10 years? |
| Notice (changes in) preference status | Who has made any improvement in “cooperation” in the house? Have you noticed any difference in your daughter’s cooperation in the last year? in the last month? How did you find out? How long do out-of-control episode last in response to requests? from 1 to 10, how much would you say…? What does patience do to the yelling impulse when dealing with non-cooperative behaviors? Does reprimands help you to cooperate? What else helps you? |
| Plan act and consolidate | What (else) will you do to support/exercise cooperation? Do you have a plan? How Will you practice your cooperation muscles? What do these changes say about your relationship? What/Who are you becoming? |
