Therapeutic Initiatives (TIPs) – Page 2

Tips to weaken problematic interactions (1) via intention-effect (#30)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Obtain a prototype of the problematic behavior or situation	Can you tell me a typical situation in which this problem (e.g., “attacking”; “disqualifying”; “blowing up”; “losing it”; etc.) takes place? How would you call it? Can you describe how it was the last time that this problem happened?
Obtain a typical response (TR) to problematic behavior	How did you respond in this situation? What did you do when X behaved in that (problematic) way? (e.g., “everything I’ve tried make things worse; I just do nothing now”; “I just give them what they want”)
Search for positive intention behind TR	What did you expect it would happen by doing that (TR)?What was the outcome you were looking for?What were you intending? (e.g., “I wanted to avoid more violence”; “protect myself”)
Separate intention from actual effect	Comparing with your situation say, a year ago, would you say violence/threats/sense of safety have increased or decreased? (e.g., “oh, definitely increased!”)What has been the long-term consequences of the “avoidance technique” for your relationship?What has been the effect of doing that according to (others) participating in the situation?Would you say this/these is/are not the result(s) that you have been hoping for?
Formulate negative feelings or “stance” on actual effect	Sometimes finding effective ways to (“Protect yourself”; “decrease violence”) can be hard; I wonder how do you feel when you realize that (in the long run) the “avoidance technique” may have produced effects that you weren’t intending?What happens to you when you realize about what actually happened?
Separate agent from action	If you had known in advance what the actual effect would be, would you have done something different?If you were convinced that in a situation like this there were some things you could do to prevent this negative effect, would you do it?
Formulate ‘absent but implicit’ value	Why would you do something different? What values are at stake for you here?What would be different for you if your intentions came across without distortion to your child?

Tips to weaken problematic interactions (1) via intention-effect (#47)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Obtain a prototype of the problematic behavior or situation	Can you tell me a typical situation in which this problem (e.g., “attacking”; “insulting”; “melting down”; “blowing up”; “losing it”; etc.) takes place? How would you call it? Can you describe how it was the last time that this problem happened?
Obtain a typical response (TR) to problematic behavior	How did you respond in this situation? What did you do when X behaved in that (problematic) way? (e.g., “time out”; “I made it clear that insulting and hitting her brother was not allowed”, “I send my child to their room…”, “I yelled at them”, “I swore”)
Search for positive intention behind TR	What did you expect it would happen by doing that (TR)? What was the outcome you were looking for? What were you intending? (e.g., “I wanted them to understand and learn that harming others is not ok”; “I wanted them to learn how to cope better when facing frustration/obstacles/stressing situations”)
Separate intention from actual effect	What would you say was the immediate effect of doing what you did (RT)? (e.g., “they become even more mad; started throwing objects…”; “counter-attacking”; “ignored me”) What has been the long-term consequences for your relationship? What has been the effect of doing that according to the other person participating in the situation? Would you say this/these is/are not the result(s) that you were hoping for?
Formulate negative feelings or “stance” on actual effect	How do you feel when you realize that you could have produced effects that you weren’t intending? What happens to you when you realize about what actually happened?
Separate agent from action	If you had known in advance what the actual effect would be, would you have done something different? If you were convinced that in a situation like this there is something you could do to prevent this negative effect, would you do it?
Formulate ‘absent but implicit’ value	Why would you do something different? What values are at stake for you here? What would be different for you if your intentions came across without distortion to your child?

Tips to co-construct antidote (3) via thickening preferences (#46)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Identify a relational preference (preferred relational understanding such as preferred emotions, capacities, behaviours, attitudes, intentions, identities, ways of relating).	You said your child was ‘lying’; how much do you think she understand why this is a bad thing to do for you? Is it that it hurts trust in your relationship? Something else? (To ‘bearer’ of problem) what is it that you value about ‘lying’? does it help you to feel safe? Is it like a shield? Shield to what? If there were other forms to protect yourself, or make some changes so that protection wasn’t needed as much, would you be interested in figuring them out? When would you say the ‘lying’ turns into a “bad thing” for you, because makes you do things you do not feel proud of doing? What is it that you are not proud of? Why? Some parents sometimes want to help their children to learn to be honest and trustworthy… is that important to you? Did you ever noticed something that would get close to such ability/learning?
Characterize the preference	How would you call this “good” thing you seem to be after? (e.g., “honesty”; “courage to tell the truth”; “integrity”; “trustworthiness”). Does your child know that you are interested in promoting her ability to nurture…. (e.g., “honesty”)? When have you seen her exercising “honesty” to some degree? How would you know that she is getting more honest? Have you met people who are very honest, perhaps admirable for that? Who is better at home at admitting own mistakes? Second best? Third?
Bring forth powerful inspirations (e.g., utility, goodness, beauty, or other “good reasons”).	Would you say there’s something ‘ugly’ about “lying”? if so, can you tell me more about that? Why would you say honesty is desirable? Sometimes even admirable? What has life taught you about the importance of “self-control”? Why is it good? Why is it useful? Where did you learn that from? What would happen immediately in your relationship with your child if they decided appreciating and welcoming your willingness for her to gain more “honesty”? What would happen after a year? After 10 years?
Track ongoing changes in relation to preference	Who has gotten better at (supporting, appreciating) honest admissions at home? Who has noticed some difference in your child’s “honesty” in the last year? In the last month? How have you noticed that? How long are these ‘temptations to lie” episodes in your head these last few days? From 1 to 10, how intense are they now? How frequent? What does ‘self-confidence’ do to “lying”? What does ‘empathy’ do to “threats”? (When unhelpful interaction is being enacted in session: does pressure help you? What else helps you?)
Plan, do, and consolidate	What else are you going to do to Support/exercise honest admissions? Do you have a plan? How would you practice your “honesty muscles”? Who may have some other ideas? What do these changes tell about what the relationship between you is becoming? What are you becoming into?

Tips to co-construct antidote (2) via exception (#46)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Formulate a hypothetical solution	Imagine this issue of ‘compulsive lying’ solved out, what would be different? What would you see different? What would you hear different? What would you think/feel different? How would you respond or do different?
Identify critical factors in hypothetical solution	What did you do that helped solving out this problem? When the problem solved out, how did you respond? When you responded like that, what did you observe as an effect? How others responded to your response?
Identify an exception to the problem	When have you been able to resist engaging in ‘tell the truth or you will regret this’, and opened space for him to admit an error? What did you notice when you did? What was different? I heard you saying that there was a time when he was ‘showing some regret’; can you tell me more about this?
Amplify exception in the present	How did you did that (exception)? How else did you empowered yourself and didn’t let ‘compulsive lying’ (or ‘compulsive strong rejection of lies’) manage you? How did you manage not to surrender to the anxiety that came up for you when you saw your child was…? Where did you learn that? What did you do to get ready or prepare to make that step in that occasion? What other personal resources did you rely on to make this step? What did you notice different in the relationship with your child when you did that (exception)? What did you notice different in yourself? What did other members of your family noticed? Who was the first in noticing the difference? Who was the second? Third? How did others respond? How did you feel when they did that? How did the rest of your day go after this happened? What did you notice later?
Co-create a new future	When you act upon these ideas, what difference will it make for you? What difference will it make about how you feel about the episode? About yourself? When you feel like that, what will be easier to do from that mindset/mood/state of mind/stance etc.? How will this orient you towards a new direction in your life? While you continue going in this preferred direction, how will your new future be different from your old future?
Formulate a step by step plan	Would you be interested in working (with your parents) to figure out new ways to (expand solutions/resist problems)? Who else could we recruit as part of your supporting team? How could they help with this? What could their contributions be? What difference does it make for your next steps knowing that you were capable of resisting the ‘temptation’ this time? What ideas does this success give you about what your next step could be? How will you know that your next step was successful? How else would you like to restrict the power that “compulsion to threat” (or “compulsion to lie”) may have in your family?

Tips to co-construct antidote (1) via unique outcomes (#46)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Explore unique outcomes	Have you ever seen your child admitting a mistake? Has she ever able to overcome the impulse to lie and be honest instead? Has he ever decided to do something different other than lying to protect herself? Has she ever done something different to avoid getting to a place where lying seems unavoidable? What did you do in that occasion, which helped her to accomplish this? What did you do right after, when you noticed she was getting stronger to make such an honest admission? How did your child respond when you did that? If by exploring this episode in depth we could learn something about your capacity to foster further honesty in your child, would you be interested in doing that?
Internalize personal agency	You mentioned that you did something different on that occasion, how did you do that? How did you manage to abstain from attempting to demand honesty, and tried instead opening space so that he could show some honest regret? Was there anything different that you thought or felt that made you stronger, so that you could respond differently in that occasion?
Link personal agency with personal resources or skills	Where did you learn that? What does this skill or ability tell about yourself as a person?
Recruit a supporting team	Who could help you to get stronger at admitting your own mistakes? Who could help you to get stronger at avoid pressuring and support her in her struggle? Who could help you to help? If ‘temptation’ was taking control over you, what could your dad do to help you get stronger? Who could help your dad help you? Who else could help you?
Inquire about future effects of unique outcome	If you had further opportunities to support your child’s desire to get stronger at admitting his own mistakes in the next few days/weeks, what do you think would happen to the problem? Would its presence (or power to influence your relationship with your daughter) increase or decrease? What difference would this make for you?

Tips to weaken problematic interactions (3) via externalizing a problem-strengthening IDEA (#46)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Explore with curiosity the nature, history, effects, and tactics of the (potentially problematic) idea	What is it that worries you the most about this idea (e.g., “To avoid colluding with dishonesty, I must strongly reject any of its manifestations”) Where did this idea (e.g,. “if I tell the truth they won’t love me anymore”) came from? How does this idea (e.g., that you must strongly reject dishonesty) interfere with your life? How has this idea affected your relationship with your child? How do you think your child feels when he perceives you as under the influence of this idea? Where is this idea more influential? How does this idea manage to convince you of its “truth”? When did you start “blindly obeying” this idea? If you convinced yourself that your child knows very well that (lying) is a bad thing, that you would never collude with dishonesty by accepting the behavior, but that he needs some help to get stronger against the impulse to lie… what do you thing would happen with this idea?
Explore unique outcomes	Has there ever been a time when this idea was ‘weaker’ in your mind? Has there ever been a time when a different, more helpful idea came up to mind about what was behind her “cheating” in that particular way? What was it? Alternatively to child: Has there ever been a time when you were sure that dad was rejecting your behavior and not yourself? What happened on this occasion? What was different as a result if this different idea coming up? What did you do different? What did s/he do? What did your partner say? What was the first thing you noticed? What have you done that has helped your child to respond differently? What else?
Explore future effects of unique outcome	If your child believed that it is more important to you that s/he is really trying, and making small progress, what do you think would happen to the problem? If your child believed that you condemn “the deed” but not “the doer”, what do you think would happen to the problem? If could child was convinced about your good intentions, what would this mean to you? Who would be the most surprised if s/he did get convinced? Who would be the least surprised? Why? What would be different in your life? What would be different in your relationship with your child?

Tips to weaken problematic interactions (2) via externalization (#46)

Aim or sub-task

Guiding questions

Name the problem: negotiate an experience-near formulation for the problem

How would you call this problem? (e.g., “lying”; “stealing”; “cheating”; “hiding”, “denying”, “evading”, “melting down”).

In a scale from 1 to 10, how intense the problem (e.g., of “lying”) would be right now?

Explore the negative effects of the problem

Does the problem (e.g., ‘lying’) make you do things that you don’t like to do, or that you regret afterwards?

What does the problem make you do? What else?
Is it a ‘strong’, powerful problem?

What makes the problem bigger (or stronger)?

If we asked your mom, how can she tell when the problem went from 3 to 5 in the scale? To 7? To 9?

How does she do, or how does she respond when the ‘little devil’ made you say that? What else does the little devil make you to do, that you are not proud about doing afterwards? How does that make you feel?

Explore unique outcomes (for more details check up on “tips via unique outcome”).

Did you ever beat the problem (e.g., the ‘impulse to lie’; the ‘little devil’)?

Did the problem ever complied with you, instead of you complying with it?

When was (bearer of problem) able to lower the intensity (or frequency) of the problem?

When was (bearer of problem) able to do something with the problem? How did you notice? What was the first thing you noticed?

What did you/her do?

What did your mom notice? What did she do?

What happened on that occasion?

What did others say about this?

Explore unique outcomes in the future

If (unique outcome) happened again in the next few days/weeks, what would happen to the problem?

Do you think its influence in your life would increase or decrease?

What difference would this make for you?

What would be different in your life? What else?

Tips to weaken problematic interactions (1) via intention-effect (#46)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Obtain a prototype of the problematic behavior or situation	Can you tell me a typical situation in which this problem (e.g., “lying”; “stealing”; “cheating”; “hiding”, “denying”, “evading”, etc) takes place? How would you call it? Can you describe how it was the last time that this problem happened?
Obtain a typical response (TR) to problematic behavior	How did you respond in this situation? What did you do when X behaved in that (problematic) way? (e.g., I tried to let her know that…; I explained that…; I demanded….; I yelled…)
Search for positive intention behind TR	What did you expect it would happen by doing that (e.g., demanding immediately admitting or other TR)? What was the outcome you were looking for? What were you intending?
Separate intention from actual effect	What would you say was the immediate effect of doing what you did (RT)? What has been the long-term consequences for your relationship? What has been the effect of doing that according to the other person participating in the situation? Would you say this is not the result that you were hoping for?
Formulate negative feelings or “stance” on actual effect	How do you feel when you realize that you could have produced effects that you weren’t intending? What happens to you when you realize about what actually happened?
Separate agent from action	If you had known in advance what the actual effect would be, would you have done something different? If you were convinced that in a situation like this there is something you could do to prevent this negative effect, would you do it?
Formular valor ausente pero implícito	Why would you do something different? What values are at stake for you here? What would be different for you if your intentions came across without distortion to the other?

Tips to co-construct antidote (3) via thickening preferences (#28)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Identify a relational preference (preferred relational understanding such as preferred emotions, capacities, behaviours, attitudes, intentions, identities, ways of relating, values).	You said your child was very upset, and I thought you wanted to say that wasn’t right for you, is that a fair statement? According to you, the bad thing about it is…. getting upset?… harming others?… not being able to express ones’ own needs in acceptable ways?… not being assertive enough? All/none of the above? (To ‘bearer’ of problem) what is it that you value about being upset/protesting? Does it give you strength? Does it help you express something you are unable to express with words sometimes? Does it help you to express something you find unfair? Does the ‘upset’ make you do things you do not feel proud of doing? When would you say the ‘upset’ helps you, and when does it turn into a “bad thing”, because makes you do things you do not feel proud of doing? Some parents sometimes want to help their children to learn to express their wishes in ways that are neither harmful for themselves nor harmful to others… is that important to you? Some parents want to help their children to cope better with frustration…or with obstacles and stressful situations…is that important to you? Are you familiar with this idea of “frustration tolerance” your parents/the psychologist referred to? Why could this be a good ability to develop in life? Did you ever noticed something that would get close to such ability/learning?
Characterize the preference	How would you call this? (“frustration tolerance”; “anger management”; “respecting others”; “patience”; “assertiveness”; “self-care”…). Does your child know that you are interested in promoting her…. (e.g., “frustration tolerance”)? When have you seen them exercising… (frustration tolerance)? How would you know that they are getting more tolerant (or stronger at…..)? Have you met people who are skillful in managing frustration/anger? Who is better at home at managing frustration? Second best? Third?
Bring forth powerful inspirations (e.g., utility, goodness, beauty, or other “good reasons”).	Would you say there’s something ‘ugly’ about “poor anger management”? If so, can you tell me more about that? Why would you say anger management is somewhat desirable? Admirable perhaps? Why is it useful? What has life taught you about the importance of “coping” with obstacles/stressful situations? Where did you learn that from? What would happen immediately in your relationship with your child if they decided appreciating and welcoming your willingness for her to gain more autonomy? What would happen after a year? After 10 years?
Track ongoing changes in relation to preference	Who has gotten better at (supporting) “anger management” at home? Who has noticed some difference in your child’s ways of tolerating frustration (or being “patient”) in the last year? In the last month? How have you noticed that? How frequent are these ‘blowing up’ episodes now compared to (last year…)? How long? From 1 to 10, how intense are these episodes now? What does ‘patience’ do to ‘frustration’? (When unhelpful interaction is being enacted in session: does nagging help you? What else helps you?)
Plan, do, and consolidate	What else are you going to do to support/exercise constructive anger management? Do you have a plan? How would you practice your “patience muscles”? Who may have some other ideas? What do these changes tell about what the relationship between you is becoming? What are you becoming into?

Tips to co-construct antidote (2) via exception (#28)

Aim or sub-task	Guiding questions
Formulate a hypothetical solution	Imagine this issue of ‘blowing up’ solved out, what would be different? What would you see different? What would you hear different? What would you think/feel different? How would you respond or do different?
Identify critical factors in hypothetical solution	What might have you done that helped your child (or yourself) to have more ability to manage frustration more constructively/acceptably? When the problem was resolved, how do you think you would respond? When you responded like this, what effect do you imagine it would have on the other?
Identify an exception to the problem	When have you been able to help your child to better cope with frustration and anger? When have you been able to cope better yourself? Have you ever been able to resist the impulse to hit (back)? Have you ever been able to (help them) express your/their frustration without harming others? Have you ever been able to stop the “escalation”? What did you do different on that occasion? What else did you notice when you did? What was different?
Amplify exception in the present	How did you did that (exceptional response)? How else did you empower yourself to be patient and understanding, and didn’t let frustration manage/drive you? How did you manage not to surrender to the anxiety that came up for you when you saw your child was…? Where did you learn that? What did you do to get ready or prepare to make that step in that occasion? What other personal resources did you rely on to make this step? What did you notice different in the relationship with your child when you did that (exceptional response)? What did you notice different in yourself? What did other members of your family noticed? Who was the first in noticing the difference? Who was the second? Third? How did others respond? How did you feel when they did that? How did the rest of your day go after this happened? What did you notice later?
Co-create a new future	When you act upon these ideas/exceptional experiences, what difference will it make for you? What difference will it make about how you feel about the episode? About yourself? When you feel like that, what will be easier to do from that mindset/mood/state of mind/stance etc.? How will this orient you towards a new direction in your life? While you continue going in this preferred direction, how will your new future be different from your old future?
Formulate a step by step plan	Would you be interested in working (with your parents) to figure out new ways to (expand exceptions/resist problems)? Who else could we recruit as part of your supporting team? How could they help with this? What could their contributions be? What difference does it make for your next steps knowing that you were capable of resisting the immediate impulse this time? What ideas does this success give you about what your next step could be? How will you know that your next step was successful? How else would you like to restrict the power that “frustration” may have in your family?