Tips to co-construct antidote (3) via thickening preferences (#30)

Aim or sub-task          Guiding questions
Identify a relational preference (preferred relational understanding such as preferred emotions, capacities, behaviours, attitudes, intentions, identities, ways of relating, values). You said your child was very upset, and I thought you wanted to say that wasn’t right for you, is that a fair statement?

According to you, the bad thing about it is…. getting upset?… harming others?… not being able to express ones’ own needs in acceptable ways?… not being assertive enough?…colluding with violent practices? All/none of the above?

Is there anything that you value about ‘the problem’ (e.g., being upset, protesting, giving in, caving, threatening, demanding, fear)? Does it protect yourself and/or others you care about? Does it help you express something you are unable to express with words sometimes? Does it give you strength?

Does it help you to express something you find unfair?

When would you say the ‘fear’ helps you (e.g., as a self-protecting resource), and when does it turn into a “bad thing”, because prevents you from asking for help, or doing other things that would protect you more efficiently?  or do things you do not feel proud of doing?

Some parents sometimes want to help their children to learn to express their wishes in ways that are neither harmful for themselves nor harmful to others… is that important to you? Some parents want to help their children to cope better with frustration…or with obstacles and stressful situations…is that important to you?

Characterize the preference How would you call this? (“fostering mutual respect”; “setting boundaries”; “standing for your rights”…).

Does your child know that you are interested in (e.g., “fostering mutual respect”)?

When have you seen them exercising…respect?

How would you know that they are getting more respectful (or stronger at…..)?

Have you met people who are skillful in resisting violence in non-violent ways?

Who is better at home at resisting violence (in non-violent ways)? Second best? Third?

How can you tell the difference between becoming violent yourself versus resisting violence/threats/“controlling” practices?

Bring forth powerful inspirations (e.g., utility, goodness, beauty, or other “good reasons”). Would you say there’s something ‘ugly’ about “giving in”? If so, can you tell me more about that?

Why would you say “hold your ground” is somewhat desirable? Admirable perhaps?

Why is it useful?

What has life taught you about the importance of “standing for your rights/values”?

Where did you learn that from?

What would happen immediately in your relationship with your child if they decided appreciating and welcoming your willingness for her to respect everybody’s rights?

What would happen after a year? After 10 years?

Track ongoing changes in relation to preference Who has gotten better at “respecting others/boundaries” at home? In the last week? In the last month/year?

Who has noticed some difference in your child’s “respect muscles”?

How have you/them noticed that?

Who has noticed some difference in their ways of dealing with frustration (or being “patient”)

How frequent are these ‘giving in’/‘blowing up’ episodes now compared to (last year…)?  How long?

From 1 to 10, how intense are these episodes now?

What does ‘support from others’ do to ‘fear’?

Plan, do, and consolidate What else are you going to do to set rules to foster peaceful coexistence?

What else are you going to do to support/exercise mutual respect muscles?

Do you have a plan?

How would you practice your “patience muscles”?

Who may have some other ideas?

What do these changes tell about what the relationship between you is becoming?

What are you becoming into?

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