Tips to co-construct antidote (3) via thickening preferences (#46)

Aim or sub-task          Guiding questions
Identify a relational preference (preferred relational understanding such as preferred emotions, capacities, behaviours, attitudes, intentions, identities, ways of relating). You said your child was ‘lying’; how much do you think she understand why this is a bad thing to do for you? Is it that it hurts trust in your relationship? Something else?

(To ‘bearer’ of problem) what is it that you value about ‘lying’? does it help you to feel safe? Is it like a shield? Shield to what?

If there were other forms to protect yourself, or make some changes so that protection wasn’t needed as much, would you be interested in figuring them out?

When would you say the ‘lying’ turns into a “bad thing” for you, because makes you do things you do not feel proud of doing?

What is it that you are not proud of? Why?

Some parents sometimes want to help their children to learn to be honest and trustworthy… is that important to you?

Did you ever noticed something that would get close to such ability/learning?

Characterize the preference How would you call this “good” thing you seem to be after? (e.g., “honesty”; “courage to tell the truth”; “integrity”; “trustworthiness”).

Does your child know that you are interested in promoting her ability to nurture…. (e.g., “honesty”)?

When have you seen her exercising “honesty” to some degree?

How would you know that she is getting more honest?

Have you met people who are very honest, perhaps admirable for that?

Who is better at home at admitting own mistakes? Second best? Third?

Bring forth powerful inspirations (e.g., utility, goodness, beauty, or other “good reasons”). Would you say there’s something ‘ugly’ about “lying”? if so, can you tell me more about that?

Why would you say honesty is desirable? Sometimes even admirable?

What has life taught you about the importance of “self-control”?

Why is it good?

Why is it useful?

Where did you learn that from?

What would happen immediately in your relationship with your child if they decided appreciating and welcoming your willingness for her to gain more “honesty”?

What would happen after a year? After 10 years?

Track ongoing changes in relation to preference Who has gotten better at (supporting, appreciating) honest admissions at home?

Who has noticed some difference in your child’s “honesty” in the last year? In the last month? How have you noticed that?

How long are these ‘temptations to lie” episodes in your head these last few days?

From 1 to 10, how intense are they now? How frequent?

What does ‘self-confidence’ do to “lying”?

What does ‘empathy’ do to “threats”?

(When unhelpful interaction is being enacted in session: does pressure help you? What else helps you?)

Plan, do, and consolidate What else are you going to do to Support/exercise honest admissions?

Do you have a plan?

How would you practice your “honesty muscles”?

Who may have some other ideas?

What do these changes tell about what the relationship between you is becoming?

What are you becoming into?

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