Tips to weaken problematic interactions (1) via intention-effect (#28)

Aim or sub-task                         

Guiding questions

Obtain a prototype of the problematic behavior or situation

Can you tell me a typical situation in which this problem (e.g., “attacking”; “disqualifying”; “blowing up”; “losing it”; etc.)  takes place? How would you call it? Can you describe how it was the last time that this problem happened?

Obtain a typical response (TR) to problematic behavior

How did you respond in this situation? What did you do when X behaved in that (problematic) way? (e.g., “time out”; “I made it clear that insulting and hitting her brother was not allowed”, “I send my child to their room…”)

Search for positive intention behind TR

What did you expect it would happen by doing that (TR)?

What was the outcome you were looking for?

What were you intending? (e.g., “I wanted them to understand and learn that harming others is not ok”; “I wanted them to learn how to cope better when facing frustration/obstacles/stressing situations”)

Separate intention from actual effect

What would you say was the immediate effect of doing what you did (RT)? (e.g., “they become even more mad; started throwing objects…”; “ignored me”)

What has been the long-term consequences for your relationship?

What has been the effect of doing that according to the other person participating in the situation?

Would you say this/these is/are not the result(s) that you were hoping for?

Formulate negative feelings or “stance” on actual effect

How do you feel when you realize that you could have produced effects that you weren’t intending?

What happens to you when you realize about what actually happened?

Separate agent from action

If you had known in advance what the actual effect would be, would you have done something different?

If you were convinced that in a situation like this there is something you could do to prevent this negative effect, would you do it?

Formulate ‘absent but implicit’ value

Why would you do something different?

What values are at stake for you here?

What would be different for you if your intentions came across without distortion to your child?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *