Tips to weaken problematic interactions (1) via intention-effect (#30)

Aim or sub-task                          Guiding questions
Obtain a prototype of the problematic behavior or situationCan you tell me a typical situation in which this problem (e.g., “attacking”; “disqualifying”; “blowing up”; “losing it”; etc.)  takes place? How would you call it? Can you describe how it was the last time that this problem happened?
Obtain a typical response (TR) to problematic behavior How did you respond in this situation? What did you do when X behaved in that (problematic) way? (e.g., “everything I’ve tried make things worse; I just do nothing now”; “I just give them what they want”)
Search for positive intention behind TRWhat did you expect it would happen by doing that (TR)?What was the outcome you were looking for?What were you intending? (e.g., “I wanted to avoid more violence”; “protect myself”)
Separate intention from actual effectComparing with your situation say, a year ago, would you say violence/threats/sense of safety have increased or decreased? (e.g., “oh, definitely increased!”)What has been the long-term consequences of the “avoidance technique” for your relationship?What has been the effect of doing that according to (others) participating in the situation?Would you say this/these is/are not the result(s) that you have been hoping for?
Formulate negative feelings or “stance” on actual effectSometimes finding effective ways to (“Protect yourself”; “decrease violence”) can be hard; I wonder how do you feel when you realize that (in the long run) the “avoidance technique” may have produced effects that you weren’t intending?What happens to you when you realize about what actually happened?
Separate agent from actionIf you had known in advance what the actual effect would be, would you have done something different?If you were convinced that in a situation like this there were some things you could do to prevent this negative effect, would you do it?
Formulate ‘absent but implicit’ valueWhy would you do something different? What values are at stake for you here?What would be different for you if your intentions came across without distortion to your child?

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