Tips to weaken problematic interactions (1) via separating intention-effect (#27)

Aim or sub-task                          Guiding questions
Obtain a prototype of the problematic behavior or situation Can you tell me a typical situation in which this problem (e.g.,  “clamming up”; “freezing”; “lack of self-confidence”; “low self-esteem”; “anxiety”; “self-questioning”; “upset”;  “hiding”, etc.)  takes place? How would you call it? Can you describe how it was the last time that this problem happened?
Obtain a typical response (TR) to problematic behavior How did you respond in this situation? What did you do when X behaved in that (problematic) way? (e.g., I invited them to…; I got upset; anxious;  I took a deep breath and tried to explain that…; I grabbed my head; I yelled…; I pushed..; I demanded)
Search for positive intention behind TR What did you expect it would happen by doing that (e.g., inviting them to think… or other TR)?

What were you intending?

What was the outcome you were looking for? (e.g., do things better for them…)

Separate intention from actual effect What would you say was the immediate effect of doing what you did (RT)? (e.g., “nothing; just stares at me, then silence”)

What has been the long-term consequences for your relationship?

What has been the effect of doing that according to the other person participating in the situation?

Would you say this is not the result that you were hoping for?

Formulate negative feelings or “stance” on actual effect How do you feel when you realize that you could have produced effects that you weren’t intending?

What happens to you when you realize about what actually happened?

Separate agent from action If you had known in advance what the actual effect would be, would you have done something different?

If you were convinced that in a situation like this there is something you could do to prevent this negative effect, would you do it?

If somebody gave you ideas that have helped on similar situations, but different from what you’ve been trying, would you give them a try?

Formular valor ausente pero implícito Why would you do something different?

What values are at stake for you  here?

What would be different for you if your intentions came across without distortion to the other?

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